by Max Barry

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Frequently Asked Questions about Omigodtheykilledkenny

Did it hurt?
Did what hurt?

When your country crawled out of hell.
Hey now, that's not very nice. There are plenty of good things about our nation. Keep reading and you might learn one or two of them.

What "good" could possibly come from yet another tinpot dictatorship like yourselves?
That's not fair. We're no dictatorship, which we believe is amply demonstrated by our perfectly adequate Civil Rights rating, and the fact that under our blessed commercial regime, Kennyite citizens enjoy a number of constitutionally protected rights, including the right to vote for whichever corporate flack they please (and on that note, we welcome our newly elected President, Sammy Faisano, sponsored by Blast!™ Cola...crack the tab and set off a flavor explosion!...now available in Chillin' Cherry and Licentious Lemon), arm themselves to the teeth, and, most importantly, the right to "shop till they drop." This last freedom we take very seriously. In fact, if residents haven't been shopping in a while, our Department of Consumer Affairs dispatches specially trained "service representatives" to their homes to see how they can help them purchase more. Rest assured, our ruling business conglomerate would never think of authorizing any such barbaric practices as disappearances, extrajudicial detentions or killings -- that would seriously cut into our customer base! We even allow the gays to marry (they have lots of expendable income, after all, and a happy gay is a spending gay!), although we still think it's weird when the minister tells the groom, "You may now kiss the dude."

But aren't you guys the founders of Antarctic Oasis, a premier haven for maniacal dictators and despotic lunatics in the NS world? You even brag about it on your World Factbook Entry!
Well, that's just because the World Assembly keeps passing all these meddling resolutions telling countries not to beat up protesters, or to stop imprisoning people for criticizing the government, or to request not so much torture, if that's alright, and then they send out all these nosy compliance officials to make sure nations' laws don't allow any of these bad things, and then you have all these dictatorships and other thuggish regimes who want to lay low until the heat is off, and someone has to give these poor, disaffected scumbags safe harbor. Would you rather they took refuge in your region? No, didn't think so.

And you're always speaking out against human rights and social justice in the General Assembly...
We only do that because the GA are power-hungry fiends who are always trying to force their own values down innocent nations' throats, and we'd prefer that they not tell nations what to do any more than they have to. How would you like it if a bunch of right-wingers took over the WA and started ordering your liberal bitch-ąsses around, telling you to ban abortions or round up all the gays and stick 'em in the clink? That's right, you'd be pıssed! Well, that's what we're trying to prevent. You don't want a right-wing tyranny-by-majority any more than we or our allies want a left-wing tyranny-by-majority. It's just like the old adage states: "First they came for the genocidal maniacs, and I didn't speak up because I was not a maniac; then they came for the bloodthirsty tyrants, and I didn't speak up because I was not a tyrant; then they came for the theocratic nutjobs, and I didn't speak up because I was not a theocrat; then they came for the bleeding-heart pansies like ourselves, and there was no one left to speak for us...because all the while they had been ignoring the real threat: Skynet, which by that time had already triggered Judgment Day and nuked all the countries into oblivion"...something like that.

Yeah? Why the heck should we even listen to you anyway? You've been condemned by the Security Council!
Heh, yeah. We even blew them up one time. They're fun to screw with. But the thing you have to remember is, out of all the crazed regimes out there, they condemned us first! (Even before Automagfreek!) Does that sound like a country you want to be fųcking with? ...Yeah, you get it.

Oh, is that why you invaded Tiki Taki? And Chechnya? Or any of the other tiny, defenseless nations you've destroyed in recent years? Who died and made you the world's bully?
Now hold on just a moment. We've never "destroyed" or "bullied" anyone; we've merely liberated them from drudgery and degradation of having to live under an oppressive, terrorist regime, and disabled the wide-reaching terrorist networks and WMD programs that doubtlessly were operating in those nations, and stopped them from giving aid and comfort to the terrorist menace currently wreaking havoc in most of our major cities. And as soon as we find any hard evidence of those countries' involvement in terrorism, we'll let you know. It's all just part of our ever-vigilant endeavor to comply with passed WA resolutions, specifically, GA Resolution #25, WA Counterterrorism Act. Read it and weep, punk. So you see, we have no choice but to eradicate the Xt'Tapolopaquetl slime blowing up our bridges-- er, "neutralize the terror threat in those countries."

I'm sorry, did you mention "compliance"? Then what's this "Creative Solutions Agency" we've heard so much about?
Ah yes, the CSA. We'd almost forgotten about that. One of the more ingenious inventions of this government, to tell you the truth. See, the WA expects all member states to comply with all passed resolutions to the letter, and while many nations have found an out before by continuing in the UN/WA time-honored tradition of "exploiting loopholes for fun and profit," we established an entire agency that did nothing but find loopholes in the UN/WA's foolhardy laws. As a result, we were in effective noncompliance with just about everything the UN passed, and a fair portion of what had passed in the WA afterward -- before we decided we were better off simply resigning from the WA and helping our allies shoot any compliance official that tried to infiltrate our region's borders. (They've long since given up and instead resorted to changing member stats via remote device, but shooting at them is still fun.) The CSA still exists in a diminished capacity, however, lending themselves out to friendly governments to advise them on getting around the WA's stupid mandates.

So that zombie attack was pretty devastating to your nation, huh?
Eh? Oh yeah, the effects of that April Fools'/Halloween prank were absolutely brutal.

No, I mean before, when zombies must have devoured all your citizens' brains. You know, because they're so fųcking stupid.
Oh. Ha, ha. Good one. Yes, indeed, many foreigners and World Census researchers like to term our populace as "stupid" (and if you fancy feeling better about yourselves, try comparing your "Stupidity" score with ours), but that's just because here in Omigodtheykilledkenny, we've discovered which lessons in life are really worth learning, like which gun you should use when someone tries to stick you up...or which gun you should use when a filthy Xt'Tap in a suicide belt decides today is a good day to blow up a shopping mall...or which gun you should use when some highway robber tries to overcharge you for a pair of matching lamps. But the thing is, you might call us "stupid" for placing greater emphasis on silly things like how to save your own skin in our country's dangerous cities than in how long it would take before a train departing from Cleveland at 3 p.m. passes a train departing from Baltimore at 6 p.m. -- but at the same time, our economy probably leaves yours in the dust, and our military could probably kick your ąsses...and if you ever need help getting out of enforcing a WA mandate you don't like, who do you think it is you'll probably end up running to? That's right. So why don't you try showing our "stupid" ąsses a little respect?

Right. Typical arrogant blustering from a bunch of dolphin-beating, warmongering corporate fascists. Why don't you all just go stuff yourselves?
Why are you being so nasty, anyway?

Probably because I only noticed your nation because I got pıssed off at some ąssholish comment you made in the General Assembly. Why are you guys such condescending jerks?
Ah, that's just because we're Kennyites. To be a Kennyite is to be exceedingly rude, arrogant, "ąssholish" and snarky. (On a side note, why don't you try living in a desolate Antarctic hellhole with a bunch of belligerent Xt'Tapolopaquetl terrorists, and we'll see how many times you're nominated for Miss Congeniality, huh?) But it's also because this is the General Assembly we're dealing with here. You're lucky we only insulted you, and didn't defenestrate you or threaten to suicide-bomb you as well. (All very common behaviors for that overly rowdy chamber. It's not called the "Festering Snakepit" for nothing, you know.) It tends to be that way because we are talking about forging laws that apply to every single nation in the World Assembly, so it's not unheard of for tempers to flare or debates to get heated. As one diplomat to the GA put it: "We're not baking cookies here; we're crafting international law, and there's no reason on Earth why we shouldn't express the positions of our respective governments with all due clarity and bluntness. ... You wanna make friends? Go visit the Strangers' Bar -- and as long as we're tossing out clichés, if ya can't take the heat, buddy, get the fųck out of the kitchen!" However, you should keep in mind that when dealing with us, we usually stick to the merits of your arguments and/or proposals. It's not really in our nature to get personal. (Unless you insult Susa's mom, then you can expect shıt to get real...)

Is Cdr. Chiang really that kinky? Is Riley really that drunk? Is Jimmy really that boring? Is Susa really that sleazy, insane and violent?
Ah. Been following our antics in the Strangers' Bar, I see. (Or perhaps you're just big fans of Linkreality TV?) Well, here's all the latest drama, in case you missed a few episodes: So, Manuelo totally screws up after a particularly nasty bender one night and wakes up with a dead hooker in the Altan embassy, so he has to bail and hide out with his "friend with benefits" Jhessan in the Malibu Islands until the heat's off. But the thing is, Jhessan doesn't have time to give him a lot of benefits, since she's busy trying to hitched so her test-tube babies can have a strong male role-model in their lives. Their actual father Alex, it turns out, has been in Malibu Islands the whole time, but he's way too occupied frolicking on the beach with his "assistant" Chuck and making dirty movies to be a dad. Meanwhile, with Manuelo gone, Sammy's left in charge of the country, but he's got his own crap to deal with, like his ex-fiancée Avaya going around telling everyone who will listen about his perverted sex habits, and a scandalous revelation that the two of them "accidentally" got married one night while vacationing in Ardchoille years back. Back at the WA, Chiang and Susa are still feeding their freaky S&M fetish with "enhanced interrogation" sessions going long into the night, while Chiang keeps spying on all her fellow delegates with a wiretap program that puts the NSA to shame. Riley's having run-ins with Ardchoille's feline deputy Bast in the Strangers' Bar, but thanks to Dicey's crafty spellwork, he still doesn't remember that whole "cat"-astrophe he set off years ago when he snatched Bast and tried to collect ransom. And through it all, Jimmy's just been sitting there at the bar, drinking beer and watching football, because that's all he ever does: sit at the bar and watch football. And babysit Susa when Chiang's not around. So...caught up yet? Great. Be sure to tune in to World Assembly every Tuesday night at 9 to catch all the latest action!

What's this thing with Ardchoille, anyway? Got a bone to pick with them, or do you just like tormenting witches?
OK, so the whole thing started way back in '05, not long after I had been named to run things in our office at the UN (now called the WA), when I was just minding my own business, trying to find a parking spot, and I was just about to pull in to the perfect space right next to the main entrance, when some lady comes charging up and stands right in front of my car, telling me I couldn't park there, because it was reserved. I mean sure, the space clearly was marked "RESERVED," but that didn't apply to me. I was an Ambassador to the United Nations -- a bad-ąss super-spy, really -- and I wasn't about to let some strange broad from a country I'd never heard of boss me around, so I just plowed on ahead anyway. I knocked her over, but she was fine. At least she looked fine as I was getting out of the car, but I didn't have a lot of time to check, because right then I was blindfolded and knocked out and apparently taken to some dank underground floor of the UN headquarters, and sure enough, when I came to there was some sadistic "dentist," shining a light in my face and threatening to pull out my teeth! Some dude who worked for the dolphin mafia, no doubt. He said he worked for Cluichstan's escort service, and he just wanted me to pay up, but I knew what was up. The dolphins had finally come back to get their revenge! But I was willing to play along, if it helped me get out of there faster. Just take my wallet, I said. I had plenty of platinum in there to pay off an entire continent of hookers if I needed to, I told him. He seemed mollified, and finally put away his extraction tools, and I breathed a terrible sigh of relief as he untied me and tossed me out the door and admonished me never to tell anyone what was going on down there. ...A promise I just broke, it seems... Oops. Well anyway, I had just gotten on the elevator to make my way back up to the main floor, and the General Assembly, but no sooner did the elevator doors open than some other dudes in dark suits -- UN security, apparently -- pulled me away and took me to their offices, wanting to know about those gnomes I'd been playing target-practice with during downtime at Horatio Sulla's shooting range. Those "poor things" I'd shot all had names, they assured me, and even pulled out pictures to show me, but you know how all those freakin' gnomes look alike, so I felt no sympathy for them, and besides, I had diplomatic immunity, so they couldn't touch me. Eventually they let me go too, and I finally got to the GA chamber, and let me tell you: it was a freaking madhouse in there! All these diplomats screaming bloody murder, and hitting each other over the head with frying pans and 17-pound trouts, and throwing people out the windows, and I just stood there for a second and thought, "HELLLLLLS YEAH! THIS is where the fųcking action is!" And I eagerly threw myself into the breach to knock some heads together myself, but just as I was about to show some Norderian imbecile what was what, that's when some humongous dude from some country I couldn't pronounce grabbed me and tossed me through the window, and I felt myself struggle against the wind for a moment, right before falling headlong into the Vastivan Memorial Reflecting Pool! So I had to take a minute to make a detour to the men's room to dry off, and I started chatting up the dude in the next urinal -- a pretty impressive piece he was slinging too, if you ask me; I mean, I'm not gay, but still... -- and in the course of our conversation I learned that that bıtch harassing me about the parking space that morning was from Ardchoille! And THAT'S!!!!! why ARTICHOKEVILLE!!!!! must DIE!!!!! Oh yeah, there's a new sheriff in town, buckeroos, and we're gonna rain a whole level of hell's worth of demons down on the-- *thwap!*

Sorry folks, slight technical glitch there, which allowed Jack Riley to take over the communications office for a few minutes. But don't worry; he's been safely contained and returned to the asylum he came from -- by which we mean, the State Department. So everyone just relax, ignore all the lunatic rantings you've just been listening to, and carry on like nothing happened. You know, like you usually do when you're dealing with Kennyites.

O...K... Uhhhh... So what's with The Eternal Kawaii griping about you guys all the time? It seems every time the two of you face off at the WA, they bring up this "kitten revolution" where you attacked them with exploding penguins, or...something.
Oh right. That business again. We'll let Cdr. Chiang field this one:

"Thank you, Nuncia, for that most enlightened history lesson about your screwy nation and its even screwier Kitten Revolution -- which you idiots still managed to lose despite lacking any actual, sapient opponents. And thank you once again for reminding us that no good deed goes unpunished, even when a perfectly well-meaning country like ours seeks to send in a few harmless peacekeepers to restore order and help you dismantle your nation's illegal nuclear-weapons program, just because a few of those penguin paratroopers we selflessly dispatched to your homeland accidentally exploded once they landed in your capital city. When are you guys finally going to let that go? I mean, really. It's been eight years! Even when we try to raise your embattled countrymen's spirits -- like we did with that pop concert we graciously held in Sanrio City to try to calm everybody down and relax your psychotic rampaging kittens -- it's still not enough! Well, you can't blame us for trying, I guess. And as a goodwill gesture, just to show there are no hard feelings, we have arranged a very special treat for you. She was such a smash hit when she performed in your country the last time, we just had to bring her back for some more. Here she is, all the way from Los Angeles, California, ASHLEE SIMPSON!!!"

...and so forth.

So there you have it, just a regular, run-of-the-mill country, pushing around other regular, run-of-the-mill countries for fun, 'cause sometimes even governments get bored and need to entertain themselves somehow. Got any more questions to ask, Mr. Big Shot War-Crimes Tribunal Judge, with your frilly robe, and powdered wig, and serious attitude problem?

Didn't think so.

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