The Archian Puppet of North Kowen is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by President Kong Hyeon-U with an iron fist, and notable for its compulsory military service, frequent executions, and suspicion of poets. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 6.334 billion North Kowenians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The large, corrupt, well-organized government prioritizes Defense, although Law & Order, Education, and Administration are also considered important, while Public Transport and Spirituality are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Chungcheok. The average income tax rate is 67.4%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The very strong North Kowenian economy, worth 626 trillion Wongs a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is a large, well-organized black market in Arms Manufacturing, Automobile Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, and Information Technology. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is 98,989 Wongs, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.5 times as much as the poorest.

Prisoners pray grey skies are gonna clear up, caps with skulls on them are the height of fashion, suppression of pro-democracy protests is a daily occurrence, and hordes of gardening enthusiasts are being banished from cities nationwide. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. North Kowen's national animal is the Kowenian Golden Eagle, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Atheism.

North Kowen is ranked 163,190^th in the world and 66^th in The Hole To Hide In for Most Primitive, scoring -75.15 on the Scary Big Number Scale.