The United States of Kitezh is a gargantuan, socially progressive nation, notable for its unlimited-speed roads, suspicion of poets, and spontaneously combusting cars. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic population of 11.77 billion Kitezhians enjoy some of the most opulent lifestyles in the region, unless they are unemployed or working-class, in which case they are variously starving to death or crippled by easily preventable diseases.

The tiny, liberal, pro-business government is primarily concerned with Defense, although Healthcare, Law & Order, and Education are also considered important, while International Aid and Spirituality aren't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Svetloyarsk. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 6.8%.

The very strong Kitezhian economy, worth 607 trillion pounds a year, is driven almost entirely by the private sector, which is broadly diversified and led by the Gambling industry, with significant contributions from Pizza Delivery, Soda Sales, and Cheese Exports. Average income is 51,648 pounds, but there is a vast disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 377,007 per year while the poor average 2,196, a ratio of 171 to 1.

The controversial show 'Who Wants to be an Immigrant?' has become wildly popular, Mr Happy's Funland has just been named Kitezh's new capital, the word 'foreigner' is considered a highly vulgar expletive, and the populace has developed a mortal fear of the woods. Crime is a major problem, with the police force struggling against a lack of funding and a high mortality rate. Kitezh's national animal is the shark, which frolics freely in the nation's sparkling oceans.

Kitezh is ranked 129,130^th in the world and 70^th in Middle Earth for Healthiest Citizens, with 1 bananas ingested per day.