The United Socialist States of Kelvaczkhi is a massive, environmentally stunning nation, ruled by Václav Svoboda with an iron fist, and notable for its state-planned economy, suspicion of poets, and complete absence of social welfare. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 3.019 billion Kelvaczkhians are ruled without fear or favor by a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as "my little playthings."

The enormous, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Law & Order, and Administration. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Řekavesnice. The average income tax rate is 69.1%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The Kelvaczkhian economy, worth 207 trillion Koricks a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is a large, well-organized, quite specialized black market in Arms Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, Door-to-door Insurance Sales, and Cheese Exports. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is 68,825 Koricks, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

It is often said that only Václav Svoboda could bring down Dàguó, the nation's soldiers sleep four to a bed in order to use space economically, Bigtopian relations have become a minefield, and weird kids who eat bugs are breaking the law. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Kelvaczkhi's national animal is the Coyote, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Kelvaczkhi is ranked 6,046^th in the world and 3^rd in Anteria for Most Primitive, scoring 110.28 on the Scary Big Number Scale.