by Max Barry

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1

The situation in Lazarus - now with additional cricket!

Once upon a time, there was a man in Lazarus, who had just joined in the middle of a State of Emergency following coup threats in the region, who proclaimed:
United galacitic empire wrote:Hail Emperor Funk!

To this man, I explained:

As interesting an explanation as this is, I have a different way of seeing these shenanigans, and it involves a lot of cricket. See the below analogy/allegory/whatever.
I
Over in a global cricketing association, something like the Marylebone Cricket Club, they call "NationStates" for some reason, people (or nations) have chosen to assort themselves into various clubs which we call "regions" - some foundered and some founderless; some game-created and others made by disinterested cricketers; some willing to expand their sporting empire and others interested in stopping this.
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II
One of these clubs, indeed one of the larger ones, is entitled "Lazarus". Even when cricketers refuse to partake for any more than a few weeks, they can come out of retirement; Lazarus is one of the three clubs they can join (indeed, before October 2011, the only one, and it was the largest club in the world back then). It has fallen under the command of the likes of Pacificfreedom, Stujenske, Griffin somerset, Drop Your Pants and Violet knows who else in the past, but has seen slight changes as of now.
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III
For starters, it's gone from plain-old Lazarus to the Land Of Iron & Rebirth to the People's Republic of Lazarus and its name-change to the New Lazarene Order (which turned out to be operated by the Pacific, one of the more controversial clubs, and was boycotted by various other notable clubs - only One Big Island, United Kingdom, Mordor and Lone Wolves United retaining ties from pre-NLO to the present day). It was then reformed to become the Humane Republic of Lazarus, before a series of changes enacted during Altmoras' time as captain (and thus "Last Son of Fenghuang") turned the club into a Celestial Union, and made clear that the captain only held his (or her) position with the support of the vice-captain.
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IV
The current captain of Lazarus is Funkadelia: a well-meaning middle-order batsman (admittedly, with links to LWU) who has become the club's first long-term - if you can call it that, he's only been in the role for three months - captain in quite a while. Despite being captain, as I have explained above, reforms made about six months ago ensured that he could only rule with the support of the vice-captain, who conveniently happened to be Aumelodia (who, under the alias of Somyrion, ran the short-lived anti-colonisation Solidarity club, and now wields substantial power in Warzone Australia) at last time of asking.
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V
As well as with the consent of vice-captain (and club-constitutionally-styled Celestial Being) Aumelodia, Funkadelia could also rely on the support of several other then-trustworthy Lazarenes, a few of whom formerly captained the club: The Sunny Badlands (aka United Arkadia, notable first-eleven player for the Pacific at the time) as the Archbishop of the Exterior, partnered by Scum (aka Lamb stone, also of LWU) for the Interior and Skadifron for Culture. Doperland, meanwhile, was Defender of the Realm; with Killer Kitty (aka Evil Wolf, another LWUer and renowned as one of the greatest fast-bowlers of all time) as Security Officer and finally the Rushian kingdom as Convenor of the Celestial Union (and at least Harmoneia acting as Guardian). For a while, all was well and good at the Lazarus Cricket Club.
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VI
However, in July, rumours boiled up about voter fraud during the election to decide who would be the core determiner of Lazarus' legal codex, where Killer Kitty defeated The Church of Satan/Lazarus cos (who conveniently happens to be opening batsman and captain of the Rejected Realms club, elected as such with the consent of only nine other "Rejects" (as they are affectionately called), and has proclaimed that he knows more about the complicated legal structures of Lazarus than anybody else) by a matter of votes.

As-of-yet uncovered puppets like Curious Observations and The lazarene guardian (although Cormactopia prime, who famously got the Almighty Jesus Whale dismissed on debatable charges of obstructing the field during the April 2016 test between the anti-government and pro-government factions of Osiris, claims that he knows the identity of Curious Observations) then published articles exposing the entrance of new nations into Lazarus to vote for Killer Kitty, whilst slamming Funkadelia for doing nothing more than his duty as captain.
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VII
Shortly after Curious Observations put out their article for review on Monday 17th July, captain Funkadelia put up a criminal case against ex-skipper and Son of Fenghuang Amerion, accusing him of attempting to invite Kowassati (another ex-captain, but this time of Osiris) to vote for the removal of Harmoneia (another former captain and Daughter of Fenghuang) as a Guardian of Lazarus - it is worth noting that Harmoneia had only just avoided being dethroned by a late influx of voters, somewhat thanks to ballots only being cast for a matter of hours.

It was then that United federated states of omega/Omega ambassador 1, one of the judges on Lazarus' court, stated "Until the Celestial Being has granted his blessing to three people to be able to rule on his behalf, I will recuse myself from every case that comes before this Court", arguing that Killer Kitty could not be trusted to rule on cases in a fair manner. Consider that Omega's main identity, UFS Omega, plays for the South Pacific. South Pacifican or not, however, the Lazarene courts were logjammed - three Prelates on the court right now, three had to make a decision... and one engaging in a boycott.
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VIII
The ultimate bombshell came on the morning of Monday 24th July, exactly a year after Lazarus became the world's featured cricket club. Firstly, Killer Kitty released a statement at about 9:40am (BST) proclaiming that a takeover of the captaincy had been halted. Just then, cricketers from elsewhere had already made statements about the event - Cormac himself calling it "much more damning than the propaganda that the would-be coupers put forward", retired Pacifican old-timer Pierconium announcing that United Arkadia had been removed from the NPO lineup several days ago, Amerion joked "I suppose we should start calling it Lazarus Wolves United" (and later got removed from the first XI, along with Harmoneia, Doperland, Wintermoot III, et al), and Killer Kitty then revealed evidence that the South Pacific's wicketkeeper and tour sub-co-ordinator The resentine kingdom (cricket over in the NationStates world is pretty weird) "wanted in" into the takeover. It is understood that sceptical reserve player Pentaga Giudici has called for an independent investigation into the whole scheme of things, but has been seen agreeing with anti-Funkadelia views, and was subsequently bowled out for 28 by Killer Kitty.
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IX
Within an hour of Killer Kitty's original statement, the Lazarene Guardian had proclaimed Funkadelia to have couped the club himself, accusing him of abusing his power and disregarding Aumelodia's superior position to take over the region for his own ends; soon enough, within 12 hours, Doperland and Aumelodia had formed an rebel cricket team (OOCly a bit like England's rebel tours of South Africa in 1985? and 1990) who intended to fight to become the rightful/official cricket team of Lazarus; for now, they remain unofficial, and I remain in support of Funkadelia's official team. But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.
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X
At about 6:10pm, Funkadelia lodged a case with Lazarus' court, accusing two dozen cricketers - the likes of Ikania, Lenlyvit/Lazarene lenlyvit, Amerion, Doperland, Harmoneia, UFS Omega, Canton Empire, The Church of Satan, The Noble Thatcherites and Wintermoot III among them (almost all anti-imperialists) - of "Treason, High Treason, Fraud, [and] Conspiracy", being part of the private Lazarene cricket team takeover discussion room exposed by Killer Kitty at 9:40am. The Church of Satan (whom you may remember stating that he knew more about Lazarene law than anybody else) refused to recognise the court's legitimacy, and then went on to post the same anti-Funkadelia message several times over a couple of days on Lazarus' Discussion Room Noticeboard (all removed by Funkadelia, Scum and Killer Kitty). All of the officials I have referred to earlier - except for Funkadelia, Scum and Killer Kitty - were removed, with the latter two being retitled Guardians. The case is ongoing. Funkadelia has allegedly proposed a new constitution installing him as King of Lazarus, but this seems distant right now, and the proposal is not available for public purveyance.
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XI
Although activity has reduced as of late, debate is still hearty, and Funkadelia has recieved approval - not voting approval, but as-you-go approval - from 260 Lazarene cricketers. All attempts to bring him down from his role as captain have failed. The rebel team has recieved support from the South Pacific (recall the Resentine Kingdom's support for them, as revealed by UFS Omega on the private takeover discussion room), the Rejected Realms (note the prior actions of The Church of Satan), the USSD (although their support was rejected), and the Illuminati Alliance (fun fact: the six regions in the alliance used to comprise the Sovereign Imperial Realms back in October/November); meanwhile, it appears that the West Pacific stands alone so far in backing the current and official team led by Funkadelia. After United Arkadia was forced out and Pergamon resigned as vice-captain, Pierconium has taken over that role in all but name (and Some thoughts has alleged that Funkadelia "was extremely loyal and supportive of the New Pacific Order", long-serving controllers of The Pacific Cricket Club!). Of course, we have seen our fair bit of sledging here, but that scarcely distracts from the current state of affairs. If Funkadelia can just keep on going and reach his century - heck, even a double-century - he will forever be regarded as a Lazarene cult legend. He's only just scraped into the nervous nineties as of yet...


Cricket Terminology (and some clarification):
  • Marylebone Cricket Club: Widely accepted as the RL world's premier cricket club. The application queues are notoriously long. Base camp is at Lord's in London (as with Middlesex County Cricket Club). The MCC draws up the Laws of Cricket.

  • Batsman/Twelvth Man: Whoever's out to bat. Two of them, one bats at a time, but it gets a bit complicated for lineups. The first two are the opening batsmen, from number three all the way up to around number six-eight (generally number seven) is the middle-order, and below the middle order all the way up to number eleven are the bowlers. The twelvth man is the reserve, and is most stereotypically seen as "that bloke who gets the drinks".

  • ...Only Nine Other Rejects: Only nine citizens of the Rejected Realms on the TRR forums voted for The Church of Satan for WA Delegate the last time TRR had a WAD election.

  • Obstructing The Field: According to Linkthe Laws of Cricket, "Either batsman is out Obstructing the field if he wilfully attempts to obstruct or distract the fielding side by word or action." - that is, deliberately. Funny you should say that - Linkthe proposed October update to the laws combines the old offence of Handled The Ball with the current offence of Obstructing The Field. well, it'll also make the language gender-neutral, but regardless, an offense is an offence

  • Wicketkeeper: The person who stands behind the wicket. Collects the ball if it goes behind, and can stump or run out the batsman.

  • Tour Sub-Co-Ordinator: By which I mean South Pacific Special Forces (military) General. The proper Tour Co-Ordinator, so to speak, is Roavin.

  • Rebel Cricket Team: A team that schisms from the official cricket team, perhaps to undertake a tour (like England in '85? and '90, see above) or for some other reason (like the Australians who left in '77 to play World Series Cricket under Kerry Packer's command).

  • Reserve Player: Not in the first eleven, but not not participating either. Pentaga Giudici can be considered a rising prospect whose Lazarus career was cut short by Killer Kitty's ejection of him (see Bowled Out For 28 By Killer Kitty).

  • Bowled Out For 28 By Killer Kitty: If one of the bails or a stump is dislodged, a player is bowled out. Of course, given Killer Kitty's nature as a fast bowler (or at least that's how I described it), the dismissal should have been a wee bit more clear-cut - in this case, it was, given PG had liked pro-coup but not pro-Funkadelia posts.

  • Anti-Imperialists: Against the conquest of cricket grounds by other cricket teams. In a shortened and more NS-friendly form, defenders.

  • The Private Lazarene Cricket Team Takeover Discussion Room: The La Resistance Discord channel, not covered by Lazarene law due to its nature but exposed by Killer Kitty nonetheless.

  • Lazarus' Discussion Room Noticeboard: The RMB.

  • Not Voting Approval, But As-You-Go Approval: Not by voting for Funkadelia in an election, but giving him WA endorsements instead.

  • Sledging: Verbal abuse - for example, you can hear "You f**king cheat!" bandied about occasionally, or - more controversially - Steve Waugh's mental disintegration tactics.

  • The Nervous Nineties: The zone between 90 and 99 runs, just before the century. Significant tension, hence "nervous".

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