by Max Barry

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The Holy Revelries of
Capitalist Paradise

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Military

HIreland's military is usually employed only defensively due to HIreland's policy of isolation, but is known internationally for both its complete ineffectiveness and frequent war crimes.

Although HIreland never signed the Geneva Convention, the Drunken-most was swayed by his conscience and trade sanctions to order Grimnir Ziph, one of HIreland's greatest generals and chief of the militairy, removed from his post for various war crimes and violations of human rights. HIreland's military, lead by Grimnir, rebelled against the government after Grimnir was officially condemned by the Drunken-most. The resulting war remained in a state of brinkmanship with various actions on both sides such as the Drunken-most using coffee creamers from the military break room or officers refusing to wipe their feet after entering government buildings. According to the terms of the peace treaty the rouge state is entitled to continuous funding equal to what was given to it before its rebellion, as well as continued support and medical benefits in return for providing military protection to the state of HIreland and complying with authorities when on HIrelandian soil. HIreland assures the international community that it is doing all it can to put an end to the rebellious military and bring them to justice for their crimes. Negotiations are ongoing considering the possibility of a dental plan. Accusations that the rebellion exists solely on paperwork to get around international sanctions are completely baseless.

Carbon-fiber bow
A modern bow-and-arrow designed to give troops the ability to see the path of their progectile after studies revealed the main cause of a syndrome plaguing the HIrelandian army know as "stormtrooper aim" was that the soldiers were mentally incapable of visualizing projectile paths. The bow is issued to troops who have demonstrated consistent inability to aim or fire straight. It is the main weapon of the HIrelandian army.

Phosphorous Grenades
Do not exist. Any photos depicting phosphorous grenades being used by the HIrelandian military are false and redeemable for a monetary reward, provided that they are the originals and no copies were made.

Nerve Gas
Retrieved from a crashed soviet vessel, nerve gas is used frequently by the HIrelandian military, and is deployed either when the enemy is downwind or when troops have demonstrated a "negative combat value". It is an airborne neurotoxin that can kill on contract, as such gas masks are worthless against it. The possibility of replacing it with a gas that could be protected against with gas masks was considered, but rejected because the value of a HIrelandian soldier is so low it isn't worth the effort to reduce casualties.

Guns
HIreland's military uses guns. This incredibly detailed description was personally written by the Drunken-most.

Surface-to-air Missiles
HIreland got several missiles on discount after the collapse of the Soviet Union. They carry conventional explosives and are spaced far apart on the launching platforms to prevent a recurrence of "that domino incident". The liquid fuel used in the rockets has proved extremely unstable but experiments into replacing it with alcohol have proved unsuccessful.

The Edsel
After their commercial failure, the Ford motor company offered a discount to HIreland on the cars and many were bought. After every single on of the cars broke down upon startup, their engines were removed and replaced with captured Drunken Marauder engines. The new engines proved effective but difficult to operate as few troops were willing to part with any of their alcohol. There have been several reported cases of soldiers starving to death after refusing to use any of their alcohol for fuel. Although the modified cars have a tendency to burst into flames, the low burning temperatures of alcohol makes the event relatively harmless.

Biplanes
HIreland's military is one of the last in the world that still uses biplanes. The planes are not made of cloth, they are in fact constructed of a very low-grade metal that tears just as easily. The biplanes have no mounted weaponry, but soldiers often drop phosphorus grenades, shoot at enemy planes and frequently shoot their propeller off while doing so, and occasionally throw empty bottles. They are mostly used as surveillance craft and are instructed not to engage the enemy "unless they are feeling suicidal".

Torpedo Boats
Simple speedboats with torpedo launchers and radar, these boats patrol HIreland's coasts for enemy ships to sink and sinking civilian ships to save for a fee. Complaints that your ship was torpedoed intentionally to make you pay for a rescue should be forwarded to noreply@HIreland.gov. Ships come equipped with oxygen to deal with HIreland's infamous methane clouds.

Troop Trucks A.K.A. "Clown Cars"
The result of a clerical error in the military's department of purchasing, the trucks are half the size of what was requested but still ship the same number of troops, thanks to a unique innovation in packing. Troops are piled on top of one another in the bed and tipped out upon reaching their destination. After troops complained about being piled on top of one another, troops being shipped in Troop Trucks were administered enough alcohol to render them unconscious for the trip. Since then Troop Trucks have been the favorite mode of transport for HIrelandian soldiers.

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