by Max Barry

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The Holy Revelries of
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Gary the Drunken-most

Gary the Drunken-most, full name Gary Scotch Barman, is the current leader of HIreland. He was a bartender before his ascension to power via drinking contest. He holds the highest sustained blood alcohol count in the country, more than was through biologically possible by most experts, and many still refuse to accept that his BAC is indeed as high as it is. Important policy decisions are made almost weekly, and reversed almost as quickly since Gary, and HIreland by extension, sees nothing wrong with a little graft. He holds no real opinions of his own, being too drunk for such parts of his mind to function, and instead has a device called a "random opinion generator" which selects a random book, web page, or psychotic rant on the topic in question and substitutes it for a thought-out conclusion. Gary is also assisted by an implanted IV which keeps him just drunk enough to remain leader and not quite drunk enough to die of alcohol poisoning or spontaneously combust. Another device also assists Gary in his day to day functioning, running on magic rather than technology, and frequently conflicts with the AI-driven IV. Gary's pockets contain limitless supplies of random objects, being subject to the same spatial distortion that allows him to be "fatter on the inside". Gary travels by both horse and car, both of which are fueled entirely by alcohol, and neither of which are in good repair. If one is fond of their environment, they would prefer Gary travel by horse, if one is fond of clean streets, they would prefer Gary travel by car, and if one is fond of their sanity, they would prefer Gary not come at all.

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