by Max Barry

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Drunken Marauders

Drunken Marauders

Problems with the drunken marauders started roughly fifty years ago when a petroleum scientist modified a gas motor to run on liqueur in response to fears that the oil fields were drying up. The motor proved to be a failure on the consumer market as Hirelanders preferred drinking their alcohol to combusting it, and the project was abandoned a mere two years after it had begun. The engine was recovered in a garbage zone by a band of scavengers who adapted a discarded vendor's cart into a primitive motorized vehicle, powering it on leftover whiskey found in the cart. The original cart was held in the HIrelandian museum until it was stolen back by drunken marauders. From the garbage zone they traveled some 50 miles around a sewage marsh before drinking the last of their fuel some 30 miles from their destination. The original party of marauders began their occupation by raiding the local town for fuel and drink, and famously forcing the mayor to vomit in the gas tank after he drank the entire town supply in a desperate attempt to keep it from them. From there they moved on, and imbued with HIrish courage, they proved too much for the Tipsy Leprechaun garrison, overwhelming the capital and stealing the national reserve, which they made off with in converted beer tankers, trailed by thousands of newly converted drunken marauders. From then on the marauders besieged every city in HIreland, even mounting an attempted invasions of neighboring countries but being forced to turn back since the new territories lacked sufficient quantities of beer to sustain them. The problem reached its peak some twenty years after it began, and slowed down as liver failure began to set in. Currently drunken marauders have developed several mutations which help them deal with their own extreme alcoholism, and are pending classification as a new species of hominid. The main population of HIreland is projected to follow their evolution sometime in the future. If you hear drinking songs being sung loudly out of tune accompanied by an inverted HIrelandian flag, you are advised to hide your liqueur and yourself too, as HIrelander blood has been found to contain enough alcohol to work as fuel in a pinch.

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