The Republic of Heloin is a gargantuan, orderly nation, ruled by Emily Smith with an iron fist, and renowned for its public floggings, sprawling nuclear power plants, and pith helmet sales. The compassionate, hard-working, cynical, cheerful population of 14.596 billion Heloians are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.

The government — a sprawling, bureaucracy-choked, corrupt morass — juggles the competing demands of Education, Environment, and Healthcare. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Salisbury. The income tax rate is 100%.

The frighteningly efficient Heloian economy, worth a remarkable 3,506 trillion Heloian Pounds a year, is highly specialized and mostly made up of the Tourism industry, with major contributions from Book Publishing. Average income is an amazing 240,221 Heloian Pounds, with the richest citizens earning 6.0 times as much as the poorest.

Children who display even minimal sporting aptitude are immediately assigned a personal trainer, roads are often attended by round-the-clock construction crews, Calvinball players are lost for days as they wander the vast halls of their new academies, and Brancalandian Brie isn't available anywhere in Heloin. Crime is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Heloin's national animal is the Sable Antelope, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Heloin is ranked 81,582^nd in the world and 238^th in The Glorious Nations of Iwaku for Largest Cheese Export Sector, scoring 1,498.89 on the Mozzarella Productivity Index.