by Max Barry

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Just how do you do it, Kerimguly Berdimuhamedow? [Interview]

Yes, it is true. The Rapping Turkmen Community of Healthy Doctors is ranked sixth in the world for its Public Healthcare expenditure. We also have some of the healthiest, longest-living citizens in the world (ranking easily in in the top 1%).

Many are now asking just how The Rapping Turkmen Community of Healthy Doctors' leader, Kerimguly Berdimuhamedow achieves such impressive feats. The Caring Father was kind enough to grant us an interview in his golden presidential palace and, with supreme pleasure, we present the highlights below.

HD PRESS: President and Dear Father Berdimuhamedow, we thank you greatly for taking the time out of your busy schedule of working hard for our Turkmen Community to sit with us for this interview. We promise, we will not take up much of your time, as we are aware you will soon be personally leading the construction of 12 new children's hospitals in our capital, and after you will be performing surgery on a two year old boy with paralytic antocariosis. The work you do for our nation is so amazing and incredible, we speak for all in our Turkmen Community when we say we are so glad you will be president for life. We love you and would give anything for you.

Berdimuhamedow: I love The Rapping Turkmen Community of Healthy Doctors and all of my citizens. Yes, it is true, I am a caring leader, and make sure all my citizens eat before I dare take a bite myself.

HD PRESS: And, Dear Father, is it true that you discovered the cure to congenial melioplasis, defeated Roger Federer in a game of tennis, originally wrote much of America's current pop-music, can move objects with telekinesis when you focus, survive on a diet of water and celery, and donated all of your personal wealth to the world's children's charities?

Berdimuhamedow: Yes, I do not usually brag about such things! All of this is true, and they cement my position as the Dear Father and Protective Figure of our Rapping Turkmen Community.

HD PRESS: God bless you, Dear Father. I love you. We love you. We thank you for everything you do for our people, our land, our culture, our lives. We could not live without you. Without you, our tongues would shrivel and our toes would curl. All people of our country know that we need you, not only for prosperity, but for survival. Without you, our country will not exist, and our family members will perish. You are the glue that is holding everything together, and you do it only out of the kindness of your heart. You will forever be remembered as Hero of our Country.

Berdimuhamedow: Thank you.