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10

Royal Ass Côte Races: The Glacikaldrian Donkey

Royal Ass Côte Races Overview

In an effort to preserve the Ass Côte, the Royal Ass Côte Races were created to raise funds for maintaining the isolated and lush environment.

Where the Wildlife Are

by All wild things

The Ass cote

At present the Ass Côte is only easily accessible by boat. The sailing is easy - not much surf on this part of the Where the Wild Things Are coastline. There are a handful of small palm-treed islands off the shore, home to colonies of scuttling blue crabs, and the seabirds that feed on them.

On the coast itself, there are long stretches of diamond sands, and some smaller coves too. The wild donkeys that run freely along the beaches give the region it's name.

At the edge of the sands, the jungle begins. Yellow-billed toucans are a common sight, clacking their beaks together in elaborate courtship ceremonies. Spider monkeys and macaques live in relative harmony, foraging a living from both jungle and beach. The macaques have developed a technique for catching blue crabs at low tide, and cracking their shells open with rocks. They're entertaining to watch, as they dislike getting their fur wet almost as much as they like eating crabs.

At some parts of the coast, the land rises steeply up to mountains whose peaks rise above the tree-line. A species of wild goat has been spotted up there. There is some evidence of big-cat predators feeding on the goats, but the cats themselves are elusive, and there are no confirmed sightings.

There are plans for the Ass Côte to be a national park. The expanded ranger service will monitor the park, preventing any wildlife poaching and illegal logging.

Having national park status keeps the area free from the threat of development. Already the government is being lobbied by those who would build golf courses all along the coast. The government's preferred strategy is to encourage eco-tourism along this pristine coast.

Read factbook

With sponsorship from House Nivali, the Glacikaldrian Donkey, Ruthien, was accepted into the Royal Ass Côte Races for its immense agility, speed and versatility. Training for and hosting of donkey racing events was and continues to be held in Nivali House Anera (Appendix 1). Ruthien is kept alive thanks to the technological advances delivered by Artificial Intelligence. Can you believe that there was once a time where donkeys couldn't be perpetually kept alive?

I would like the name, "Ruthien", tattooed on an ass's ass.
- High Speaker Dame Sylair Nivali of Glacikaldr, Lady of House Nivali and the Ascendant

It is said that Ruthien is named after RRA Commander Wopruthien, however the Principality of Glacikaldr's very own Crown Prince denies those claims.

Royal Ass Côte Races Rules

REMEMBER: The challenge is to get real people to vote. Any idiot can use multiple puppets to vote for their donkey, so that's not allowed. If that happens, it spoils the fun for everyone. Getting real people to vote is not easy, but it's very rewarding. Good luck!
- All wild things

Royal Ass Côte Races Commentaries

Commentaries on Royal Ass Côte Races can be found here:

Sports Things!

by All wild things


Sports Articles


Royal Ass Côte 2020 - Day 5 20 June 2020

Royal Ass Côte 2020 - Day 1 16 June 2020


Royal Ass Côte 2019 - Day 4 22 June 2019

Royal Ass Côte 2019 - Day 3 21 June 2019

Royal Ass Côte 2019 - Day 2 20 June 2019

Royal Ass Côte 2019 - Day 1 19 June 2019


Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 6 24 June 2018

Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 5 23 June 2018

Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 4 22 June 2018

Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 3 21 June 2018

Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 2 20 June 2018

Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 1 19 June 2018


Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 5 24 June 2017

Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 4 23 June 2017

Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 3 22 June 2017

Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 2 21 June 2017

Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 1 20 June 2017


Where the Wild Things Wrestle 24 May 2017

Royal Ass Côte Announced 18 May 2017


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2020 - Day 5
20 June 2020

And It's All Over!

*The reporter staggers out of the press bar, and realises that everyone has gone home.*

Dat Ass, Grand Galleass, and The Wild Behind behind at one furlong. Okey Donkey, Maskim the Moscow Mule tied at two. Omega managed four, and Salad Ass made five. Earthbound rocketed to eight furlongs. Kamehameha nearly came home, passing the 16 furlong mark. And at 21 furlongs, the mistress of magic, the mother of movers, the Mother of Mojave is Royal Ass of the Year!

Donkey Name

Nation

Distance ran (furlongs)

Dat Ass

Feoras

1

Earthbound

Finmany

8

Grand Galleass

Jehovahs Witness

1

Kamehameha

ScotlandSerenity

16

Maksim the Moscow Mule

Drunkndisorderly

2

Mother of the Mojave

Hermes Express 123

21

Okey Donkey

Mathuvan Union

2

Omega

The Red Society

4

Salad Ass

Caduceo

5

The Wild Behind

New bergslagen

1


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2020 - Day 1
16 June 2020

Live Action! Watch the race!

And They're Off!

Mother of Mojave is the mother of movers, with an astounding 13 furlongs already travelled. In second is Kamehameha at nine furlongs, followed by Salad Ass at five furlongs, and Omega at three. Earthbound is practically stable-bound, having only covered one furlong so far, neck and neck with Grand Galleass, and Maskim the Moscow Mule. Back at the starting line, it's Okey Donkey, Dat Ass, The Wild Behind.

We spoke to Grand Galleass's trainer, Jehovahs Witness. Grand Galleass is well groomed, a fine specimen of an ass. However, Jehovahs Witness told us:
"I'm actually counting on it coming in dead last for most of the time. It'll help me gather up certain results and notes for future experimentation, hmm? Lots of things riding inside that grand animal."
Which kind of sounds like it's ridden with parasites...


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2019 - Day 4
22 June 2019

Replay! See the finish!

What a frenzied moment that was!

Novaturient may have sought change, but remained in last place, only one length behind Moonsplash. At five furlongs, Ass Eater failed to keep up with Kim Kardashian, who made eight furlongs. so basically im donky slipped back in the ranks, placing fourth with a distance of ten furlongs. I have a big butt, and I cannot lie in third. After leading for the whole race, Short Muffins has just fallen short, reaching thirteen furlongs. And in first place, at fourteen furlongs, proof that you can be a Lazy Ass and still be a winner.

Didn't they maintain an exhausting pace?

A suspected doping scandal has hit the Royal Ass Côte. Sources suggest that the drugs were administered by a needle to the ass. The suspected drug, known as Alanasyn, was administered to Gregory. A race official said: "It is difficult to quantify how much of Gregory's performance is due to the Alanasyn effect, but we strongly believe that the drug more than doubled the distance the donkey managed. Gregory has been officially disqualified from the race."
Terrusya, Grogory's trainer, expressed their bemusement, at first saying "I don’t understand". They have since resolved to investigate what happened, saying they'll "try to figure it out".

Wild Ass also fell foul of anti-doping rules too, this time from a street drug known as "Crack of Doom". Wild Ass had been expected to place seventh.

'Twas a thrilling, absolutely chilling running of the ascot opening race

Thanks to all the donkey's and trainers who took part, and congratulations to Smiley Bob, whose Lazy Ass has won the title of Royal Ass of the Year 2019.

Donkey Name

Nation

Distance ran (furlongs)

Lazy Ass

Smiley Bob

14

Short Muffins

Padfootia

13

I have a big butt, and I cannot lie

GoodKingWenceslas

12

so basically im donky

Evokice

10

Kim Kardashian

Aglore

8

Ass eater

Anacin

5

Moonsplash

Elysium forests

2

Novaturient

Wolfram Von Richthofen

1

Wild Ass

Nudistonia

n/a

Gregory

Terrusya

n/a


Jet to The Sands Hotel

Take a bus, or train, or drive. You could take a horse and buggy if you're really determined to "go west". But why waste time? By jet, it's less than five clicks, from anywhere, N.S. Call it "Fun Saving Time". Join the whirl of continuous excitement. Thrill to the vibrant Monte Carlo atmosphere, the pleasure of all outdoor recreation plus free golf. Sit ring-side for the greatest moments of show business. Enjoy gourmet dining at one of the three elegant continental restaurants. Luxuriate in a magnificent room or suite in the new Aqueduct building... the ultimate in plush living. So get off your burro and get on your phone! Make your reservation today.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2019 - Day 3
21 June 2019

Live Action! Watch the race!

Heartbeats speed up, I have never been so keyed up!

As usual at this stage in the race, there is little change in most of the positions. Novaturient remains at the back, behind joint sixth Wild Ass and Moonsplash. Ass Eater is at the rear of Kim Kardashian, but that gap is wide, and will be hard to fill. so basically im donky has slipped to third. Lazy Ass is anything but, having made it to joint second with I have a big butt, and I cannot lie, and Gregory, who has surprisingly made an unexpected comeback. Still leading by a length is Short Muffins.


Jet to The Sands Hotel

Take a bus, or train, or drive. You could take a horse and buggy if you're really determined to "go west". But why waste time? By jet, it's less than five clicks, from anywhere, N.S. Call it "Fun Saving Time". Join the whirl of continuous excitement. Thrill to the vibrant Monte Carlo atmosphere, the pleasure of all outdoor recreation plus free golf. Sit ring-side for the greatest moments of show business. Enjoy gourmet dining at one of the three elegant continental restaurants. Luxuriate in a magnificent room or suite in the new Aqueduct building... the ultimate in plush living. So get off your burro and get on your phone! Make your reservation today.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2019 - Day 2
20 June 2019

Live Action! Watch the race!

Pulses rushing, faces flushing!

Novaturient is struggling at the rear. Wild Ass looks more like Mild Ass, languishing behind with Moonsplash. Gregory has found his direction, and is neck-and-neck with Ass Eater. Ahead of them, we're seeing that anything Kim Kardashian can achieve, a Lazy Ass can match. I have a big butt, and I cannot lie, so basically im donky in second. Leading by a length is Short Muffins.

These donkeys have some interesting names. Earlier we asked GoodKingWenceslas why I have a big butt, and I cannot lie?:
nation=goodkingwenceslas/detail=factbook/id=1224911


Jet to The Sands Hotel

Take a bus, or train, or drive. You could take a horse and buggy if you're really determined to "go west". But why waste time? By jet, it's less than five clicks, from anywhere, N.S. Call it "Fun Saving Time". Join the whirl of continuous excitement. Thrill to the vibrant Monte Carlo atmosphere, the pleasure of all outdoor recreation plus free golf. Sit ring-side for the greatest moments of show business. Enjoy gourmet dining at one of the three elegant continental restaurants. Luxuriate in a magnificent room or suite in the new Aqueduct building... the ultimate in plush living. So get off your burro and get on your phone! Make your reservation today.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2019 - Day 1
19 June 2019

Live Action! Watch the race!

A gripping, absolutely ripping moment!

Every duke and earl and peer is here. LinkEveryone who should be here is here. What a smashing, positively dashing spectacle.

It's the Ass Côte opening day. Gregory seems oblivious, having failed to leave the starting line. Novaturient looks like they could do with some nutrients, tied with Wild Ass near the rear. Ass Eater and Moonsplash are just ahead of them. With a respectable five furlongs gone, so basically im donky is making respectable progress. Lazy Ass is out at seven furlongs, matching Kim Kardashian. Front runners are Short Muffins, and I have a big butt, and I cannot lie.

We landed an exclusive interview with Gregory's trainer, Terrusya, who seemed as confused as Gregory:
"I was in the middle of eating ass but then the ass came off but I wanted to preserve it so I threw into into my cooler but the cooler was stolen by a scientists and turned it into this ass. Then I heard that he stole my ass and i became John Wick from fortnite and killed like 200 people for revenge of my stolen ass. But then I found out how cool this new form of my personal ass is and I named it."


Jet to The Sands Hotel

Take a bus, or train, or drive. You could take a horse and buggy if you're really determined to "go west". But why waste time? By jet, it's less than five clicks, from anywhere, N.S. Call it "Fun Saving Time". Join the whirl of continuous excitement. Thrill to the vibrant Monte Carlo atmosphere, the pleasure of all outdoor recreation plus free golf. Sit ring-side for the greatest moments of show business. Enjoy gourmet dining at one of the three elegant continental restaurants. Luxuriate in a magnificent room or suite in the new Aqueduct building... the ultimate in plush living. So get off your burro and get on your phone! Make your reservation today.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 6
24 June 2018

Live Action! Watch the race!

It's All Over!


Asses filling up again after the runs

And it's all over for Snickerdoodle, and it's all over for them all. Finding that last burst of energy, Ruthien races ahead to the 62 furlong mark, and despite giving it all her extra, Snickerdoodle is behind at 56. My Wife Knows Everything is third at 18, Eeyore fourth at 14, Hercules fifth at nine. Joint sixth are Daunè and ⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸ with seven furlongs behind them. Mikael takes seventh, having covered five furlongs. Dan Quayle at four is eighth, and Lorde and Red are trailing at three furlongs.

Those were some fantastic asses, and we loved the way they moved.

Donkey

Sponsor

Distance ran (furlongs)

Ruthien

Glacikaldr

62

Snickerdoodle

Apple-loosa

56

My Wife Knows Everything

Please understand

18

Eeyore

Sanjikurisa

14

Hercules

Earthbound Immortal Squad

9

Daunè

Lihone

7

⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸

The Marsupial Illuminati

7

Mikael

Blue ice

5

Dan Quayle

Terre australes

4

Lorde

Ijebu state

3

Red

Rbbf

3


The Peaceful Coffee Shop in Chicago

Chicago. Peaceful. Coffee. Did we mention the coffee?

Oh, pastries and good food too.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 5
23 June 2018

Live Action! Watch the race!

Keep On Running


Ruthien and Snickerdoodle, neck and neck

In a shocking twist, The King of All Wild Things has revealed that this year's Royal Ass Côte will run for an extra 24 hours. Which means that this neq-and-neck race is not over yet! With Ruthien at 49 furlongs, and Snickerdoodle at 48, anything could happen. My Wife Knows Everything is now in front of Eeyore. Hercules is in fifth. Daunè and ⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸ vie for sixth place, followed by Mikael, then Dan Quayle, Lorde and Red.

My Wife Knows Everything was caught on camera in Linkprevious race.


The Peaceful Coffee Shop in Chicago

Chicago. Peaceful. Coffee. Did we mention the coffee?

Oh, pastries and good food too.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 4
22 June 2018

Live Action! Watch the race!

Snickerdoodle Fills That Gap


Red merchandise on display. However, My Wife Knows Everything has higher sales

And Glacikaldr's Ruthien's back in the race! But that gap is rapidly being filled by Apple-loosa's Snickerdoodle, who, having gone 13 furlongs today to the 34 furlong mark, is now only four behind. My Wife Knows Everything is level with Sanjikurisa's Eeyore, who has emerged from that old gloomy spot, and is neck and neck for third place at 14 furlongs. At eight furlongs, Earthbound Immortal Squad's Hercules has a Herculean task to catch up. The Marsupial Illuminati's ⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸ has passed the six furlong mark, Lihone's Daunè and Blue ice's Mikael follow, with Terre australes's Dan Quayle, Ijebu state's Lorde and Red behind.

Glacikaldr reveals more about Ruthien in this article.


The Peaceful Coffee Shop in Chicago

Chicago. Peaceful. Coffee. Did we mention the coffee?

Oh, pastries and good food too.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 3
21 June 2018

Live Action! Watch the race!

A Turnaround in Fortunes


Ruthien changes direction

What a turnaround! Ruthien has literally turned around, and started wandering back! Maybe he's feeling lonely, and looking for the rest of the pack. Ruthien won't be lonely for long though, as that bundle of sweetness Snickerdoodle sugar-powers her way past the 21 furlong mark. At this stage, it's unusual to see an ass covering this much ground, but that's the Snickerdoodle effect. My Wife Knows Everything is hungry to fill that gap with Snickerdoodle, but she just needs a little something more. Hercules is showing his strength, breaking away from Eeyore. Daunè keeps plodding on behind, followed by the malformed ⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸, Mikael, and Dan Quayle. It looks like a sorely beaten Red ass behind Dan Quayle, and the good Lorde seems to be waiting for the end.

Rbbf, Red's trainer revealed: "Red, named for the colour of the faces of people who dare to wager against him (They are often heard to shout, 'Beat that Red Ass!')."


The Peaceful Coffee Shop in Chicago

Chicago. Peaceful. Coffee. Did we mention the coffee?

Oh, pastries and good food too.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 2
20 June 2018

Live Action! Watch the race!

Good Lorde, They're Off!


(Please understand), My Wife Knows Everything is green, and their memorabilia is selling fast

In this second day of racing, Ruthien is flagging. Still ahead at 35 furlongs, their pace is slowing. Snickerdoodle is making progress, and at 15 furlongs, is starting to close that enormous gap. At nine, My Wife Knows Everything is gaining ground, breaking away from Hercules and Eeyore. Dan Quayle, Daunè and Mikael are following those asses, with Red and ⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸ behind, and Lorde finally having wandered out of the stable.

It's heart-warming to see Daunè, a small donkey found at the roadside, keeping pace with the pack. ⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸ is another underdog, whose sponsor shared this sad story. Mistaken for a horse by the mad Professor Ungar, ⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸ was abused, tortured, and experimented on. When it became known that the deformed animal was a donkey, it was released into the wild.


The Peaceful Coffee Shop in Chicago

Chicago. Peaceful. Coffee. Did we mention the coffee?

Oh, pastries and good food too.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2018 - Day 1
19 June 2018

Live Action! Watch the race!

Hat's a Great Start!

As always, the hats are out in force at the Royal Ass Côte, and there are some fine examples today.

As we wait for the start, lets get to know some of the donkeys in more detail. Earlier we spoke to Eeyore's trainer, Sanjikurisa, and recorded Linkthis footage. Quite inspiring.

And they're Off!
Well, not all of them. Daunè and Lorde seem content to amble around the starting line. Ahead of them a small pack is forming. My Wife Knows Everything ahead of Hercules, followed by Eeyore, and Dan Quayle, with Mikael, Red, and ⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸ behind. Breaking ahead of the pack at 11 furlongs is the sweetheart Snickerdoodle. But the ass to watch is the amazing Ruthien. Sponsored by House Nivali of Glacikaldr, the crowds are out cheering on this early favourite. Having covered 32 furlongs in the first 24 hours, Ruthien is already eclipsing the record of Bear Ass, the 2017 champion.


The Peaceful Coffee Shop in Chicago

Chicago. Peaceful. Coffee. Did we mention the coffee?

Oh, pastries and good food too.

Official Sponsor of the Royal Ass Côte


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 5
24 June 2017

Noone Can Touch That Bear Ass!


Pooped out ass, after five days of strain

Bear Ass is Royal Ass of the Year! Five full days of racing, and noone came close to touching Bear Ass. Dingbat made a valiant attempt, coming second, followed by Get thee behind me in third. Further back, Screw Beaverton School District managed a respectable fourth place, Stoned Off His Ass Hippy in fifth, and Rolax sixth. Uselessjunkandnuclearwaste.co.uk made seventh, No Black Hawks! eighth, and Assy McAssFace trailing behind.

Dignitaries from 99 nations attended the races, raising much needed funds to help preserve the
Ass Côte
as a nature reserve for another year.

Full results are in The Wild Rumpus Book of Records.

Six hours to go!

Emotions are high as the finish line comes into sight. Stoned Off His Ass Hippy is making progress, but, like Screw Beaverton School District, looks unlikely to rank in the top three. Get thee behind me slips behind Dingbat, who keeps pushing to narrow the gap with Bear Ass.


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 4
23 June 2017

Get thee behind me Set to Get Ahead


Neck and neck

With a fresh burst of energy, Get thee behind me catches Dingbat. Neck and neck, they jockey for position behind that stunning Bear Ass. Screw Beaverton School District hangs on to fourth place, while in fifth is Rolax joint with the Stoned Off His Ass Hippy.


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 3
22 June 2017

Stoned Off His Ass Hippy Rolling Up

Despite strong wind, Bear Ass kept running, extending that lead. But the big surprise of the day was the dab of speed from Stoned Off His Ass Hippy, who, showing no quarter, passed the joint placings of Rolax and Uselessjunkandnuclearwaste.co.uk and puffed his way into fifth place.
Supporters of other donkeys were Linkseen to express their frustration with the progress.


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 2
21 June 2017

Screw Beaverton School District May Yet Make the Grade!


In a new twist, Screw Beaverton School District pulls away from the pack

Feeling fatigued and battling the weather, the donkeys are making slower progress today. Bear Ass is maintaining a steady lead on Dingbat, but the strain is starting to show. Get thee behind me is losing a little ground to these two race leaders. Screw Beaverton School District is breaking away from the pack though, powering ahead of Uselessjunkandnuclearwaste.co.uk and Rolax, who are rivalling for fifth place. No Black Hawks! is holding out, while Stoned off His Ass Hippy is starting to come into his own, with Assy McAssFace yet to pick up the pace.


Need more News? Visit The NewsStand.


Royal Ass Côte 2017 - Day 1
20 June 2017

Watch the Linkopening ceremony

Dingbat out of Hell!


Dingbat races across the diamond sands of the Ass Côte

At a distance of twenty-one furlongs, that Bear Ass is proving difficult to beat. A late starter, rocketing out the stall like a Dingbat out of hell, Forest's Dingbat hoofs it past the competition and into second place, reaching twelve furlongs before the end of the first day's racing. This could prove to be a stiff challenger for the title. Get thee behind me makes steady progress to the ten furlong mark. Screw Beaverton School District is fourth at five furlongs, followed by Uselessjunkandnuclearwaste.co.uk and Rolax joint fifth. No Black Hawks! follow Rolax. Stoned off His Ass Hippy’s staggering in the right direction, leaving Assy McAssFace in the rear.
What an amazing late performance from Dingbat, showing that fortunes really can change in this unpredictable race.

That Bear Ass is Spectacular!
Twelve hours in, and all eyes are on that spectacular Bear Ass! At the six furlong mark, Get thee behind me is struggling to achieve it's ambition, at a full six furlongs behind Bear Ass. Uselessjunkandnuclearwaste.co.uk and Screw Beaverton School District are joint third at the four furlong mark, closely followed by Rolax and No Black Hawks! The Stoned off His Ass Hippy has finally dawdled out of the stall, leaving Dingbat and Assy McAssFace behind.
But all could change. Can Bear Ass keep up this incredible pace?

And They're Off!
Only a five hours in, and the excitement is buzzing at the Royal Ascot. Bear Ass is already ahead at the five furlong mark. But can this donkey keep up the pace?
Uselessjunkandnuclearwaste.co.uk has covered three furlongs, closely followed by Rolax, then Screw Beaverton School District, with the others yet to start. But in this long and challenging race, the tables could easily turn.

At the Royal Ass Côte, the spectators are as fascinating to watch as the donkeys!


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Where the Wild Things Wrestle
24 May 2017

Sumo is coming to Where the Wild Things Are. Following a recent public consultation, the governing body of the Wild Rumpus Book of Records will trial a series of Sumo wrestling matches. Guidelines have been drawn up, giving wrestlers clarity on the rules of engagement, and the standards of conduct required. There are high hopes (particularly amongst marketing executives) that Sumo becomes a popular and long standing part of Wild Thing culture.

Should things go to plan, the town of Roi looks set to become home to a new Sumo stadium. Roi has one of the highest youth unemployment rates in All wild things, and it is hoped that this development could help turnaround the town's fortunes. A sketch of the stadium leaked to Wild Things! shows a Japanese style castle, or shiro. Following Japanese naming conventions, the new stadium would be called Roi-jo. Locals however, are already calling the proposed stadium Roi Castle.

The consultation also revealed a high level of public interest in surfing, and Calvinball. Wild Rumpus Book of Records official Boris McWorthy indicated that these may be suitable sports for future events.

One of the more unusual suggestions in the consultation was LinkFerret-legging. Mr McWorthy dismissed this suggestion, citing diplomatic reasons. “We had concerns this could damage our inter-relations with Furry regions. We've no objection to people playing with the hairy things in their trousers, but we do not want to see them coming on the international stage.”


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Royal Ass Côte Announced
18 May 2017

HRH Maurice Sendup, King of All wild things, has announced the inaugural Royal Ass Côte races. International sponsors are sought for the event, which features wild donkeys dashing across diamond sands, competing to be crowned ‘Royal Ass of the Year’. Dignitaries from all over NationStates are invited to attend the entertainments, which will run from 20th to 24th June. The official dispatch contains more details.

With the aim of maintaining momentum in the sporting calendar, officials from the Wild Rumpus Book of Records are now seeking opinion as to which other sporting events should be hosted Where the Wild Things Are.
Contribute to the consultation here.

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Read dispatch

Royal Ass Côte 2018

Royal Ass Côte 2018

by All wild things

👑
Royal Ass Côte Races

Tuesday 19th to Saturday 23rd June 2018

Where the Wild Things Are

Following last year's highly successful event, Maurice Sendup, King of All wild things, will again host the Royal Ass Côte Races.

Named after the wild donkeys that run free along its diamond sands, the Ass Côte is home to some of Where the Wild Things Are's most spectacular scenery.

Encouraged with carrots, wild donkeys will dash across the sands, competing to be crowned ‘Royal Ass of the Year’.

Sponsor a Donkey

Until the 19th June, a limited number of nations may sponsor a donkey on a first-come, first-served basis. The sponsors may choose a name for their donkey, which will be painlessly tattooed on the animal. Want-to-be sponsors should telegram All Wild Things with the name that they would like tattooed on their ass.

Back Up Your Ass

From Tuesday 19th to Saturday 23rd June, all nations are invited to Where the Wild Things Are to cheer for their favourite donkey via our open-to-all poll. The donkey with the most support will be crowned ‘Royal Ass of the Year’. Players may use puppets to vote for more than one donkey, but it is prohibited to use puppets to vote more than once for the same donkey.

The sponsor funds raised will go to preserving the pristine Ass Côte for perpetuity as a nature reserve.


Live! Watch the race!

Read the 2018 commentary


Ninety-nine nations supported Royal Ass Côte 2017

Watch last year's Linkopening ceremony

Read the 2017 commentary

View the 2017 results


Sponsors so far:

Donkey Name

Nation

Distance ran (furlongs)

Dan Quayle

Terre australes

-

Daunè

Lihone

-

Eeyore

Sanjikurisa

-

Hercules

Earthbound Immortal Squad

-

Lorde

Ijebu state

-

Mikael

Blue ice

-

My Wife Knows Everything

Please understand

-

Red

Rbbf

-

Ruthien

Glacikaldr

-

⧸S͈̬̖̝͍ͬ̊ͫ̆̎̕e̟̥̹̻̩͉͖ͮ͆̉̊̉c̱̳̣̰͂̐̽̏͒͒̓ṟ̻̝̍̅ͣ̅́e̵̯̤̤ͩ̄̌̊ͧ̀ͫt̆͒̏a̼͉͈̺̗͍̟ͧͫ̂ͩ͗̂r̲̐͑i̯͍̝̐̌ͣạ̱̃̆̽̚̚͝t̮̲͛ͪ⧸

The Marsupial Illuminati

-

Snickerdoodle

Apple-loosa

-

Read dispatch

The Royal Ass Côte 2018 started on the 19th of June. To win, participants needed to get as many REAL PEOPLE as they could to vote for their donkey before the 23rd.

The results of Royal Ass Côte 2018 can be seen in these two formats: page=poll/p=123386 and page=dispatch/id=815296#AssCote2018.

On the 24th of June 2018, Ruthien was declared the Royal Ass of 2018! With an astounding, record-breaking count of one hundred and eighty-eight nations sending their dignitaries to show support across the entire competition, Ruthien was motivated into running a total of sixty-two furlongs during the race, with the runner-up donkey, Snickerdoodle sponsored by Apple-loosa (whose administrator is the NS grandmother of Neq Manson, the administrator of this here nation), having stopped only six furlongs behind Ruthien. With a distance eighteen furlongs, My Wife Knows Everything sponsored by Please understand (whose administrator is the NS sister of Neq Manson, the administrator of this here nation) came third.

The Crown and House Nivali extends its regards to the following sixty-two nations of which sent their dignitaries to show their support for Ruthien:
Drop Your Pants, Severisen, Xoriet, Waffia, Libetarian Republics, The Grim Reaper, Escade, Duckling Squire, Pergamon, Canton Empire, Novaya Equestria, Zazumo, Larnion, Orange Creek, Imperium of Josh, Ienovo, Erinor, T-ara, Malphe, Marilyn manson freaks, Glacikaldr, Weastern libraria, The quakers, Sassoon, Westberg empire, Cormactopia Prime, Alkasia, Xialta, Jar Wattinree, Fauxia, Invader Unit 1, Altinsane, Socialist Communist States, Founder-Chan, Drazina, Chervil, Arkadia Universalis, Jodi samsinak, Black-eyed heathens, Wiranath, Kozmix, Otaran, Grossvietnam, Lorigia, Xzoardyyn, Alpha centauri ii-a, Feradia, Kostrorleauny, Liberarus, Latman, Green Africa, Comia Noracon, The air force of south asians 19, Protector eorum 9, Calalin, Margiboof, The nod corporation, Dogeius, Hydra dragon, Monarchial law, The rainbow raider agenda, and Genvatera.

Additionally, electronic goodie bags have been sent back with their dignitaries to be given to their respective ruling or unruly bodies:

Electronic goodie bags have been sent back with the dignitaries of the following nations to be given to their respective ruling or unruly bodies as a thank you from the Crown and House Nivali of the Principality of Glacikaldr on behalf of their show of support for the Glacikaldrian Donkey Ruthien in the donkey racing of Royal Ass Côte 2018:
  1. Drop Your Pants;

  2. Severisen;

  3. Xoriet;

  4. Waffia;

  5. Libetarian Republics;

  6. The Grim Reaper;

  7. Escade;

  8. Duckling Squire;

  9. Pergamon;

  10. Canton Empire;

  11. Novaya Equestria;

  12. Zazumo;

  13. Larnion;

  14. Orange Creek;

  15. Imperium of Josh;

  16. Ienovo;

  17. Erinor;

  18. T-ara;

  19. Malphe;

  20. Marilyn manson freaks;

  21. Glacikaldr;

  22. Weastern libraria;

  23. The quakers;

  24. Sassoon;

  25. Westberg empire;

  26. Cormactopia Prime;

  27. Alkasia;

  28. Xialta;

  29. Jar Wattinree;

  30. Fauxia;

  31. Invader Unit 1;

  32. Altinsane;

  33. Socialist Communist States;

  34. Founder-Chan;

  35. Drazina;

  36. Chervil;

  37. Arkadia Universalis;

  38. Jodi samsinak;

  39. Black-eyed heathens;

  40. Wiranath;

  41. Kozmix;

  42. Otaran;

  43. Grossvietnam;

  44. Lorigia;

  45. Xzoardyyn;

  46. Alpha centauri ii-a;

  47. Feradia,

  48. Kostrorleauny;

  49. Liberarus;

  50. Latman;

  51. Green Africa;

  52. Comia Noracon;

  53. The air force of south asians 19;

  54. Protector eorum 9;

  55. Calalin;

  56. Margiboof;

  57. The nod corporation;

  58. Dogeius;

  59. Hydra dragon;

  60. Monarchial law;

  61. The rainbow raider agenda; and

  62. Genvatera.


The Goodie Bag (not to scale)

1. 10x Chromium Statuette of the Glacikaldrian Donkey Ruthien (to legitimise this great victory of ours forever!)

2. 5,000x Donkey Fursuit (suitable for bodyguards or an extended NS family of your choice)

3. 1,000,000x Rare Donkey Artefact Donkey's Christmas Shrektacular (2010) (DVD) (remade from recovered film reels)

4. 10,000,000x DIY Donkey Mask (great for the kiddies)

5. 50,000,000x Re-usable Donkey Shopping Bag (perfect for refitting your plastic bag industry)


We hope you enjoy!

~Signed Crown Prince Remus Raewyn of Glacikaldr, Lord of Dal'Kaldera AND High Speaker Dame Sylair Nivali of Glacikaldr, Lady of House Nivali and the Ascendant

Read dispatch

House Nivali further extends its regards to the other eleven sponsors, Apple-loosa, Please understand, Sanjikurisa, Earthbound Immortal Squad, Lihone, The Marsupial Illuminati, Blue ice, Terre australes, Ijebu state, and Rbbf, and hopes to see them back in action next year!

Finally, all bodies should be sure to thank All wild things for organising and running such a spectacular event as the Royal Ass Côte Races, among others!

Appendices

Appendix 1 - Nivali House Anera:
Nivali House Anera, modelled after Anera in the Heath but on a much larger scale to incorporate a range of track and pitch entertainments, is now primarily used by the judiciary of the Kingdom of Glacikaldr in regards to public executions and lashings. On a lighter note, the stadium is usually packed on the weekends as a result of being put into good use by most sport industries, such as the National Baseball League and the Royal Ass Côte Races, which continue to make arrangements with House Nivali. The stadium is also used for the odd gladiatorial styles of entertainment, usually held during commemorative dates and public holidays, which aim to re-enact mythical battles like the Razing of Sunagakure City, the Tragedy of Pomad and the Sacking of East Berg through consenting combatants who intend to earn a reputation in the practice of theoretically nonmortal melee combat of old.

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