The Totally Not Evil Kingdom of Esplandia is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by King Sherwin V with an iron fist, and remarkable for its ban on automobiles, ubiquitous missile silos, and sprawling nuclear power plants. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, humorless population of 7.394 billion Esplandians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The large, corrupt, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Education, Industry, and Law & Order. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Karthied. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 74.1%.

The frighteningly efficient Esplandish economy, worth a remarkable 1,090 trillion Crown Florents a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Cheese Exports industry, with major contributions from Retail, Book Publishing, and Arms Manufacturing. Black market activity is extensive. Average income is an impressive 147,546 Crown Florents, with the richest citizens earning 9.8 times as much as the poorest.

Being able to unblock a u-bend pipe is considered a universally essential skill, it is popularly believed that "cheese every day keeps disaster away", nobles' fancy titles no longer help them cut in line at the supermarket, and foreign heads of state have taken out restraining orders against Esplandish ambassadors. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Esplandia's national animal is the Falcon, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies, and its national religion is Aelostianism.

Esplandia is ranked 145,762^nd in the world and 7,700^th in The North Pacific for Nicest Citizens, with 0.73 Average Smiles Per Day.