by Max Barry

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The Benevolent Queendom of
Democratic Socialists

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5

The Benevolent Queendom of Divine Cervine History - 2019 May - June

The Benevolent Queendom of Divine Cervine History
2019

May - June

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May 1st, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 15th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Most Compassionate Citizens, scoring 295.22 on the Kitten Softness Rating.
    • Nude art is becoming wildly popular. #52
    • Giggling teens are asked to put their mouths on rubber dolls. #1138
    • The government spends more on chasing distant comets than on basic infrastructure. #419
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May 2nd, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 10th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Largest Welfare Programs, scoring 31,848.68 on the Safety Net Mesh Density Rating.
    • Excessive wheelchair ramps on government buildings have been compared to theme park attractions. #659
    • Male med students learning female anatomy do so with their eyes tightly closed. #1135
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May 3rd, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 51st in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Highest Average Tax Rates, with 109.41 Effective Tax Rate.
    • Bins outnumber trees in city parks. #1007
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May 4th, 2019


May 5th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 2,457th in the world and 110th in Lazarus for Largest Publishing Industry, scoring 23,183.12 on the Bella Potter Productivity e-Index.
    • The phrase 'spreading like wildfire' is no longer in the public lexicon. #628
    • There's a shortage of swinging hot spots as land development grinds to a halt. #138
    • Future forecasters fearfully discuss grey goo and human obsolescence. #626
    • The government has solemnly sworn not to look up other nations' internet browsing history if the favor is returned. #650
    • Five-year-olds who refuse to line up on command get gold stars. #1131

May 6th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 1,051st in the world and 52nd in Lazarus for Most Advanced Public Transport, scoring 8,601.14 on the Societal Mobility Rating.
    • Students consistently complain that the wi-fi ate their homework. #1208
    • The volume of paperwork used to complete a single environmental assessment defeats the purpose. #1058
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May 8th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 11th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Largest Welfare Programs, scoring 31,867.16 on the Safety Net Mesh Density Rating.
    • Nouveau riche farmers diligently take care of their golden calf herds. #1075
    • Badminton was recently banned due to 'unacceptable violence' inherent to the game. #239
    • Occam's razor has sliced to pieces any childhood belief in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. #897
    • Students are wary of colorfully decorated new teachers with names like Professor Pipsqueak. #276
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May 9th, 2019

    • Community centers have arisen from the ashes of demolished houses of worship.#914
    • Droves of former desperados are applying to join the border police. #321
    • Polygraphs are relegated to the dungeon exhibit in castle museums. #1201

May 10th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 17th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Most Pacifist, with 498.71 Cheeks Turned Per Day.
    • Animal liberationists receive government funding to break into animal research labs. #502
    • Divine Cervine's Civil Rights rose from Average to Good.
    • Queen Arbeaone has more friends than ever before. #602
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May 11th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 1,059th in the world and 53rd in Lazarus for Most Advanced Public Transport, scoring 8,588.42 on the Societal Mobility Rating.
    • Drills and shovels have been banned as the government cracks down on any means of fracking. #449
    • The national anthem is a rather effective sleeping aid. #633
    • Census workers struggle to account for the rapidly increasing number of citizens to tabulate. #491
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May 13th, 2019

    • Almost all of the nation's water is piped into the country from abroad for exorbitant prices. #264
    • Excited shovel-bearing geeks wander the countryside. #630
    • In this vegetarian nation the delicious smell of roasted meat is oddly commonplace. #625
    • Queen Arbeaone wears a chewed-up rubber chicken suit to meet foreign delegates. #1213

May 14th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 11th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Largest Welfare Programs, scoring 31,822.08 on the Safety Net Mesh Density Rating.
    • Illegal hunting is rife after veganism was recently made compulsory. #205
    • There's never enough space in space. #754
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May 16th, 2019

    • Eau de Trashcan has become a wildly popular perfume. #689
    • Scientists earn more grant money for reproducing old experiments than trying anything new. #999
    • Purple fairy deer have more rights than the average citizen. #60
    • Where there's a will there is usually a password manager. #926

May 18th, 2019

    • A suspicious number of male students have joined the Ladies' Wrestling League. #750
    • Divine Cervine's free colleges struggle to maintain standards in the face of overwhelming demand. #93

May 19th, 2019

    • The justice of Divine Cervine is considered superior to that of other nations. #1015 dismiss, only increases Rudeness
    • One-man canoes fitted with the latest tracking technology leave no room for one man. #1212
    • Children crying over dropped ice creams are offered high doses of experimental antidepressants. #576
    • Welfare funding has recently gone through the roof. #164

May 20th, 2019

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    • The Benevolent Queendom of Divine Cervine was founded on this day in the year 2015.
    • Divine Cervine is ranked 264th in the world and 9th in Lazarus for Least Corrupt Governments, with 98.84 Percentage Of Bribes Refused.
    • Conspiracy theorists allege that the government is spying on them through their carbon monoxide detectors. #834
    • The Fashion Channel can only be viewed on widescreen TVs. #887
    • Radio shows frequently feature people denouncing religion. #219
    • The government is continually probing the galaxy in search of alien life. #589
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May 21st, 2019

    • Prudishness is on the way out. #411
    • Interest in globalism never flags. #1114
    • No one is quite sure what many government officials look like. #852

May 23rd, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 148th in the world and 4th in Lazarus for Most Cheerful Citizens, with 94.68 Percentage Of Water Glasses Perceived Half-Full.
    • Super Barry Brothers is the most popular video game in the nation. #485
    • Earthquake sirens are a leading cause of hearing loss. #672
    • Research grant proposals read like political diatribes. #523
    • There's nothing more gay than bleeding for your nation. #1214
    • While effusively praising Divine Cervine’s leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more “modernistic” view in the future. #11 dismissed

May 24th, 2019

    • The banshee wail foretells skies of death. #974
    • The government sends submarines to retrieve bodies from shipwrecked submarines. #1029

May 25th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 146th in the world and 5th in Lazarus for Most Cheerful Citizens, with 94.73 Percentage Of Water Glasses Perceived Half-Full.
    • The nation locks people up and tells them they're mad for compassion's sake. #1037
    • Citizens can only enjoy the splendor of the natural world in designated 'Majesty Appreciation' zones. #1164
    • Construction of the Really Big Hadron Collider is underway. #249
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May 26th, 2019

    • The nation's leader is normally just referred to as "snuggle-wuggle-huggy-bear". #1171
    • Helping grandma with her Misgendering 101 homework is a national rite of passage. #1073
    • RPG fans reminisce fondly about when people thought they were evil and dangerous rather than geeky and socially inept. #624
    • Flu research is commonly shut down for fear of creating a superbug. #708

May 27th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 1,037th in the world and 38th in Lazarus for Most Secular, with 99.1 Atheism Rate.
    • Children are raised bilingual from an early age. #71
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May 28th, 2019

    • Scoutmasters debate whether luxury log cabins defeat the purpose of camping. #661
    • Space shuttles regularly launch rubbish into space. #97
    • Pro-democracy regime change has been avoided. #359
    • The police have been known to wiretap confessional boxes. #648
    • Divine Cervine's Civil Rights fell from Good to Average.
    • It can be a real jungle in a modern courtroom. #1217
    • Queen Arbeaone's luxurious new home has been designated as a protected cultural heritage site. #600

May 29th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 8,024th in the world and 172nd in Lazarus for Most Stationary, with 1,470.70739208 Days.
    • Sales of disinfectant wipes have skyrocketed. #786
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May 30th, 2019

    • Companies struggle to cover for the hordes of employees on parental leave. #304

May 31st, 2019

    • The nation is currently revamping its entire education system. #64
    • In a baffling press conference Queen Arbeaone proudly dismantled a broken door. #503
    • Queen Arbeaone's media campaigns take a hiatus around exam week. #773
    • The new national mascot has to be wheeled onto the field of play. #385

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June 1st, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 244th in the world and 7th in Lazarus for Most Cultured, scoring 524 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.
    • The "Underwear of Women in Power" issue of The Enchanted Wildwood Times is sold out. #275
    • The nation's politicians are known more for the internet memes they spawn than any of their accomplishments. #963
    • Popular cartoon characters frequently appear in government-sponsored PSAs reminding students to say no to drugs. #565
    • Sleep-deprived officials are known to collapse after late night revision for their examinations. #1088
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June 2nd, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 487th in the world and 20th in Lazarus for Most Subsidized Industry, scoring 16,593.62 on the Gilded Widget Scale.
    • The nation has opened its arms to an influx of refugees. #35
    • There's a literal nanny state for the legions of children taken by social services. #739
    • Internet moderator is one of the most popular jobs among the nation's more socially awkward citizens. #875
    • The nation grinds to a halt for afternoon tea. #768
    • The nation's taxpayers pay for foreign government's extravagances. #677

June 3rd, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 146th in the world and 5th in Lazarus for Most Cheerful Citizens, with 94.78 Percentage Of Water Glasses Perceived Half-Full.
    • Government bureaucrats shut down teenage yard-raking businesses for being counter-revolutionary.#1137
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June 5th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 4,234th in the world and 198th in Lazarus for Highest Economic Output, with 2,509 trillion Standard Monetary Units.
    • Young children are learning advanced physics to scientifically disprove the existence of Santa Claus. #556
    • UFO sightings are listed daily in the morning news. #81
    • The WhoTube comments section has gone strangely quiet. #636
    • A government program is underway to revitalize Divine Cervine's beaches. #31
    • Women have a strange proclivity for dressing up as caped weasels. #838
    • Panicking criminals no longer flush contraband down the toilet. #1030

June 6th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 491st in the world and 19th in Lazarus for Most Subsidized Industry, scoring 16,564.78 on the Gilded Widget Scale.
    • Listless juries are assembled for the simplest of court cases. #410
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June 8th, 2019

    • Small children are learning a lot of new words from a teacher with Tourette Syndrome. #1012
    • Refugees from other nations are flocking to Divine Cervine's border. #47
    • The government is promoting multicultural values with the new 'Just Be Nice, OK?' initiative. #262
    • An endless multinational bureaucracy connects the Red Bloc. #577
    • There have been sightings of people walking around dressed in nothing but leopard-skin g-strings for 'religious reasons'. #128

June 9th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 70th in the world and 3rd in Lazarus for Most Extensive Public Healthcare, scoring 23,096.93 on the Theresa-Nightingale Rating.
    • Churches across the land are hurriedly installing auto-tune for their choirs. #333
    • Queen Arbeaone's office has a newly installed Max-Man arcade game programmed by a 5th-grader. #683
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June 10th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 41st in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Highest Foreign Aid Spending, scoring 11,530.69 on the Clooney Contribution Index.
    • The Divine Cervinean Babysitters Club has proven to be a huge relief to stressed-out parents across the nation. #448
    • There is a dearth of space for new houses. #331
    • A vast monorail network carries people all over the country. #83
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June 11th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 33rd in the world and 2nd in Lazarus for Most Eco-Friendly Governments, scoring 40,671.22 on the Dolphin Recycling Awareness Index.
    • The nation has an international reputation for compassion. #36
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June 12th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 146th in the world and 6th in Lazarus for Most Cheerful Citizens, with 94.83 Percentage Of Water Glasses Perceived Half-Full.
    • The new national campaign exhorts men to "Show Some Class - Don't Sit On Your Ass". #1009
    • Enemy navies sail within bombardment range of major coastal cities with impunity. #1062
    • Anti-government political posters adorn every building like wallpaper. #207
    • Divine Cervine's Political Freedoms rose from Very Good to Excellent.
    • The national policy for Public Protest has been reinstalled. The right to public protest is considered to be essential.

June 13th, 2019

    • Criminals and college students are taking an interest in the government's new weed-killing program. #505
    • Advertisements for jobs in the sciences run in fashion magazines. #548
    • Prolonged government investigations are a common revenge tactic among spurned spouses. #836

June 14th, 2019

    • Stuttering trypanophobes are doomed never to marry. #943
    • Authorities are looking for a stool pigeon to rat out who is stealing food from pigeon toilets. #758
    • There's a bright dawn ahead for Divine Cervine. #821

June 15th, 2019

    • Several underground organisations in Divine Cervine have recently been spreading discontent throughout the populace about not being able to vote. #177 dismissed
    • Sullen teenagers in bright orange 'community payback' onesies can be seen picking litter at the roadside. #543
    • If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it... Divine Cervinean satellites can detect it. #1099
    • It is believed that belligerence is a passing phase foreign leaders will soon outgrow. #813
    • Barbed wire entanglements and guard towers surround the Enchanted Wildwood Natural History Museum. #655
    • 10-year-olds who struggle with integrating by parts are considered slow learners. #892
    • Organ donation is compulsory. #26
    • Vaccinations are mandatory. #413

June 17th, 2019

    • The Divine Cervinean Intelligence Agency relies on internet search engines to know what is happening overseas. #653
    • School plays were recently banned due to concerns of child endangerment. #501
    • Explicit slash fiction is repackaged for kindergarten kids as stories about friends cuddling friends. #880
    • The Finance Ministry posts hourly updates on where taxpayer money is spent. #551
    • Politicians have seen a significant reduction in followers on their social media accounts. #992

June 18th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 4,156th in the world and 193rd in Lazarus for Highest Economic Output, with 2,545 trillion Standard Monetary Units.
    • Turning the other cheek is accompanied by a polite letter of complaint. #1034
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June 19th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 12th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Largest Welfare Programs, scoring 31,761.76 on the Safety Net Mesh Density Rating.
    • Enchanted Wildwood has become the number one destination for urban exploration in Lazarus. #518
    • Citizens are frequently searched for illegal weapons. #149
    • Divine Cervine's Civil Rights fell from Average to Below Average.
    • Youth call each other types of vegetables in lieu of government-banned racial insults. #767
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June 21st, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 1,063rd in the world and 61st in Lazarus for Most Advanced Public Transport, scoring 8,504.45 on the Societal Mobility Rating.
    • Doctors spend more time writing sick notes than caring for the sick. #1148
    • Orphans would rather live their life of luxury than be adopted by prospective parents. #638
    • Cotton candy made from genuine cotton cellulose doesn't quite satisfy. #811
    • Schools have extensive counseling programs for troubled students. #62
    • The Museum of Soybeans is the cultural heart of the nation. #581
    • Counselors have to sign pledges supporting gay rights before they can speak to any patients. #616

June 24th, 2019

    • Cogitators and mass debaters are skiving off work to hang around the National Symposium Park. #803
    • The nation's ambassadors often conduct their business in jail cells. #912
    • Divine Cervine's Medieval Faire is renowned as one of the best in the region. #61
    • The amount welfare recipients spend on fertilizer has exploded. #720
    • Older citizens lament over the loss of law and order. #1237
    • High-income earners pay a 100% tax rate. #18
    • Employers are finding it hard to screen candidates now that everyone gets A grades in their exams. #830

June 25th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 16th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Most Developed, scoring 99.89 on the Human Development Index.
    • Burning twigs to keep warm while lost in the wild is now a felony. #590
    • Farting etiquette is taught in schools. #946
    • Drug deals return to the streets as legions of undercover officers stalk the dark web. #902
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June 26th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 38th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Highest Foreign Aid Spending, scoring 11,632.55 on the Clooney Contribution Index.
    • Hordes of tourists are ruining the environment. #1086
    • There are no more heroes any more. #935
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June 28th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 8th in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Most Inclusive, scoring 856.67 on the Mandela-Wollstonecraft Non-Discrimination Index.
    • An increasing percentage of the population's youth have homosexual parents. #218
    • Bitter pastors forced to officiate gay marriage 'accidentally' pronounce couples "husband and abomination". #759
    • The words 'private' and 'enterprise' must never appear in the same sentence. #152
    • Divine Cervine's Political Freedoms fell from Excellent to Very Good.
    • The national policy allowing Public Protest has been cancelled. The right to public protest is considered to be essential.
    • Tourists from around the world come to visit the country's famous rainforests. #23
    • Busy commuters no longer hear the cries of "I want some more!" on the nation's streets. #785

June 29th, 2019


June 30th, 2019


    • Divine Cervine is ranked 33rd in the world and 1st in Lazarus for Best Weather, with 2,240 Meters Of Sunlight.
    • Couples are discouraged from marrying until they can rank their partner on a scale of one to ten. #1023
    • The experimental sculpture "Overtures In Dried Purple Fairy Deer Dung" has been declared a national treasure. #856
    • There are six more weeks of winter if a northerner sees her shadow. #733
    • Invasive drug testing is now performed at elementary school sports days. #493
    • Divine Cervine published "The Benevolent Queendom of Divine Cervine History - 2019 July - September" (Factbook: History).

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