The Republic of Coldwoods is a massive, cultured nation, ruled by President Vinnie Pappalardo with a fair hand, and renowned for its museums and concert halls, ubiquitous missile silos, and aversion to nipples. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic, devout population of 4.263 billion Coldwoodians enjoy a sensible mix of personal and economic freedoms, while the political process is open and the people's right to vote held sacrosanct.

The relatively small, corrupt, outspoken government prioritizes Defense, although Industry, Law & Order, and Administration are also considered important, while International Aid and Social Policy are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Bearford. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 35.7%.

The frighteningly efficient Coldwoodian economy, worth 884 trillion Coldwoodian Dollars a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with significant contributions from Tourism, Retail, and Information Technology. Black market activity is rampant. Average income is an amazing 207,559 Coldwoodian Dollars, but there is a large disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 793,471 per year while the poor average 37,519, a ratio of 21.1 to 1.

A National Academy regulates grammar and usage, bored politicians often entertain themselves with games of Simon during important votes, atheistic refugees haven't got a prayer of being granted asylum, and tantrum-throwing toddlers are regularly imprisoned on assault charges. Crime, especially youth-related, is almost non-existent, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Coldwoods's national animal is the White Tailed Deer, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Catholic.

Coldwoods is ranked 262,605^th in the world and 172^nd in The Western Isles for Highest Unexpected Death Rate, scoring 25.31 on the Bus Surprisal Index.