The Alabama Crimson Tide of Buttermilk Biscuits is a colossal, cultured nation, ruled by Kalen DeBoer with an even hand, and notable for its museums and concert halls, frequent executions, and vat-grown people. The hard-nosed, humorless population of 7.22 billion Bamans are highly moralistic and fiercely conservative, in the sense that they tend to believe most things should be outlawed. People who have good jobs and work quietly at them are lauded; others are viewed with suspicion.

The large, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Administration, Industry, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Tuscaloosa. The average income tax rate is 89.8%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Crimson Tide economy, worth a remarkable 1,140 trillion greybacks a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is a slick, highly efficient, broadly diversified black market in Information Technology, Uranium Mining, Book Publishing, and Furniture Restoration. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an impressive 158,018 greybacks, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The "Underwear of Women in Power" issue of The Tuscaloosa Times is sold out, musicians are often arrested for saying "oh my God", parents must choose their children's names from a government-mandated master list, and diplomatic cables about Kalen DeBoer have suddenly been very flattering. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Buttermilk Biscuits's national animal is the elephant, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Independent Baptist.

Buttermilk Biscuits is ranked 14,784^th in the world and 2^nd in Bourbon Pecan Pie for Lowest Crime Rates, with 94.44 law-abiding acts per hour.