by Max Barry

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Top Gear: Aurun Road Trip [1.5/5 Complete]



I drive a car.

James also drives a car.

And Richard drives a car.......sort of.

[Intro end]

Jeremy Clarkson: "Hello, hello everybody! Thank you! Now, while we were off the air... after a long time, we have decided on doing... a ROAD TRIP!"

Richard Hammond: "Hang on, we didn't decide on a road trip. I think you meant, 'road test'."

JC: " Nope, a ROAD TRIP. I get to decide 'cause this is a dictatorship and not a democracy."

James May: "Enough of useless politics. Now, somewhere in the world, there is a country-"

JC: "Well, obviously."

JM: "Shut up. Anyway, there is one country that we are particularly interested in as it is rumored to be a petrolhead's utopia."

JC: "Yes! Can you guess what country it is?"

Audience: "Japan!"

JC: "No, not that. Let me give you a hint: It is in Europe."

Audience: "Germany!"

JC: "No, unless we have a good enough reason to invade them."

JM: "Let's not continue this nonsense and move on. The country in question is... Aruna!"

RH: "Auruna."

JM: "Right."

RH: "Before going there, the producers told us to get any sports car that we want.....well, that's what they said before changing their minds. Now they told us to get a four-wheel drive car that is NOT an SUV or a truck."

JC: "Yes, and we're quite surprised when we got there."

Somewhere in Northern Auruna

JC: "As you already know, I am the only one suited for these roadtrips in another country. I learned the language... sort of. AND more importantly, I have brought the right car!"

Shows a Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X

JC: "Yeeesss. It's a Mitsubishi Lancer Evo... 'X', a proper four-wheel drive car with 300 horsepowers, four doors, and four seats. It's just bloody brilliant!"

"Then Hammond arrived in an idiot's car."

Hammond arrives in a Ford Focus RS

RH: Hamster laugh "This is the perfect car for what we're about to mess up today."

JC: "Richard, I know you're young but you don't need to prove yourself by buying a toy."

RH: "What do you mean? It's a man's car. It has 404 horsepower, which is more than your stupid Japanese sedan."

JC: "It's not stupid. It's more practical than your brightly-coloured toy right there. I can fit more stuff in the back of it."

RH: "It doesn't matter."

JC: "ANYWAY... let's wait for Captain Slow to arrive."

RH: "He might be lost, he can't understand any of the street signs."

Somewhere in the nearby streets

JM: "What the hell are these supposed to mean----- oh cock, wrong way."

"Now viewers, as you might notice already that I'm driving....a not so slow of a car. Which car have I brought you ask? Well, it's an Audi RS 6, 571 horsepower V10, all-wheel drive, and a much bigger boot space than those two might have picked."

A few minutes later

May finally arrives

JC: "It's an Audi, of course."

RH: "I think he wants a Panda, but was forced to get an Audi."

JM: Gets out of Audi "Now this is a proper car."

RH: "No James, you just brought a businessman's Audi."

JM: "Well did you steal your Ford from some innocent bloke?"

RH: "Uh..."

JM: "Anyway, that's no ordinary Audi, it's an RS 6 with a 570 horsepower V10 at the front and all-wheel drive. And... and it's more practical than what you have chosen."

JC: "I know we're on a road trip but we're not carrying any trees around."

RH: "Or cows."

JC: "Yep, that too."

JM: "At least I've come prepared, and chosen the right car for the job."

RH: "Shall we move on now? We're still in the same place for a long time."

JC: "Alright alright, let's go."

The three now get in their cars and start their journey

JC: "Wait... Hamster."

RH: "What?"

JC: "I just noticed, you're driving an old Focus."

RH: "Yeah, so?"

JC: "That means that it's FWD you knob."

RH: "Ah--you say that. This is a special Focus."

JC: "Special?"

RH: "This is a modified Focus RS, by the locals here called Viska or whatever. They gave it more horses AND, and AWD."

JC: "But still, you're stupid."

JM: "Will you two shut up."

"As expected, they didn't."

JM: Visibly annoyed