The Holy Old Cow of Auphelia is a colossal, cultured nation, ruled by The Mother of Monsters and Maladies with a fair hand, and remarkable for its rum-swilling pirates, infamous sell-swords, and stringent health and safety legislation. The compassionate, democratic population of 8.391 billion subjects hold their civil and political rights very dear, although the wealthy and those in business tend to be viewed with suspicion.

The medium-sized, liberal, outspoken government juggles the competing demands of Education, Industry, and Environment. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of The Palace of Eternal Pleasure. The average income tax rate is 73.1%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient subject economy, worth a remarkable 1,163 trillion Scathing Criticisms a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is quite specialized, is led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Tourism, Book Publishing, and Cheese Exports. Average income is an impressive 138,673 Scathing Criticisms, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Enemy navies sail within bombardment range of major coastal cities with impunity, psychiatrists bizarrely accompany The Mother of Monsters and Maladies to meetings with foreign heads of state, the doctor has cold hands, and you're only as old as you feel. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown. Auphelia's national animal is the Unicorn, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Auphelia is ranked 6,927^th in the world and 230^th in the South Pacific for Most Popular Tourist Destinations, with 1,844.71 Tourists Per Hour.