The Imperial Free City of Aschenburg is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by The Duke d' Bernhardi with an even hand, and renowned for its deadly medical pandemics, unlimited-speed roads, and aversion to nipples. The hard-nosed, hard-working population of 12.282 billion Aschenburgarians enjoy some of the most opulent lifestyles in the region, unless they are unemployed or working-class, in which case they are variously starving to death or crippled by easily preventable diseases.

The minute, corrupt, liberal, pro-business government, or what there is of one, is effectively ruled by the Department of Industry, although Defense is also considered important, while Environment and Law & Order are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of le Palais-Royal. Income tax is unheard of.

The frighteningly efficient Aschenburgian economy, worth a remarkable 4,650 trillion Gold Aschenburg Crowns a year, is driven almost entirely by the private sector, which is broadly diversified and led by the Retail industry, with major contributions from Gambling, Soda Sales, and Information Technology. Average income is an amazing 378,665 Gold Aschenburg Crowns, but there is a vast disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 3,493,925 per year while the poor average 4,085, a ratio of 855 to 1.

Octogenarian swimsuit models insist that they've still got it, convicts released after being found "wrongfully imprisoned" are surprisingly chill about the whole thing, the national sporting identity is represented by a talking burger and a singing smartphone, and the mummified remains of former kings are apparently discovered every time a tourist loses their wallet. Crime, especially youth-related, is so common that it is unusual to encounter someone following the law, probably because of the absence of a police force. Aschenburg's national animal is the Aschenburgarian Sailfish, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Roman Catholicism.

Aschenburg is ranked 221^st in the world and 15^th in the South Pacific for Rudest Citizens, with 634.6 insults per minute.