The Free Merchant Archipelago of Aschenburg is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by Merchant Governor Sir Charles Arkwright with an even hand, and remarkable for its rum-swilling pirates, barren, inhospitable landscape, and spontaneously combusting cars. The hard-nosed, hard-working population of 8.236 billion Aschenburgarians enjoy some of the most opulent lifestyles in the region, unless they are unemployed or working-class, in which case they are variously starving to death or crippled by easily preventable diseases.

The minute, corrupt, pro-business government, or what there is of one, is effectively ruled by the Department of Industry, although Education and Defense are also considered important, while Environment and Welfare are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Port Ascension. Income tax is unheard of.

The frighteningly efficient Aschenburgian economy, worth a remarkable 2,514 trillion Gold Aschenburg Crowns a year, is driven almost entirely by the private sector, which is broadly diversified and led by the Retail industry, with major contributions from Gambling, Information Technology, and Soda Sales. Average income is an amazing 305,317 Gold Aschenburg Crowns, but there is an enormous disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 1,702,144 per year while the poor average 27,341, a ratio of 62.3 to 1.

A paperwork error has naval privateers being directed to attack land-locked nations, if foreigners can hit a spittoon from five paces they get a free holiday to Aschenburg, toy versions of heroin paraphernalia let kids pretend to be their favourite TV characters, and the government's new priority is citizens' access to cat videos. Crime, especially youth-related, is all-pervasive, probably because of the absence of a police force. Aschenburg's national animal is the Aschenburgarian Sailfish, which is also the nation's favorite main course.

Aschenburg is ranked 168,397^th in the world and 7,340^th in the South Pacific for Safest, scoring 2.57 on the Bubble-Rapp Safety Rating.