Aperture Laboratories RMB

WA Delegate: None.

Founder: The Neverending Story of East Hylia

World Factbook Entry

We do what we must, because we can.

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Aperture Laboratories is home to a single nation.

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Today's World Census Report

The Most Avoided in Aperture Laboratories

Nations ranked highly are considered by many to be the most inhospitable, charmless, and ghastly places to spend a vacation, or, indeed, any time at all.

As a region, Aperture Laboratories is ranked 15,305th in the world for Most Avoided.

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1.The Neverending Story of East HyliaInoffensive Centrist Democracy“Excogitavi; Accepi; Vici”

Regional Happenings

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Aperture Laboratories Regional Message Board

They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants - not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch; no hand holding.

Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator and it makes a happy face.

The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like projection.

All right, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So word of advice: if you meet yourself on the testing track don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time - entirely. Forward and backward. So do both of yourselves a favor and let that handsome devil go about his business.

Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science. As founder and CEO of Aperture Science I thank you for your participation and hope that we can count on you for another round of tests.

Those of you helping us test the repulsion gel today, just follow the blue line on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news: bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.

The average human male is about 60% water. Far as we're concerned that's a little extravagant. So if you feel a bit dehydrated in this next test, that's normal. We're gonna hit you with some jet engines and see if we can't get you down to 20 or 30 per cent.

For this next test we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumours. Now maybe you don't have any tumours. Well don't worry, if you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants we took care of that too.

Just a heads up: that coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronic activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious, visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.

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by Max Barry

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