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Thanks everyone for your comments. You made me cry again but they were helpful to my healing process.

I'm just kicking myself over his death because it didn't have to happen now. It is solely my fault. I was arrogant and complacent, two things I despise in others. It will haunt me to my death. I think I learned a valuable lesson but I now must apply it or its useless. I should have learned this lesson before but I allowed the power and intelligence of my eldest cat to believe he was immortal.

I have had almost 20 cats and 20 dogs over my life. I currently have two cats (4&11 years). I was arrogant because my 4 year old was diagnosed with an i curable disease and told he had two months to live maximum. That was 3.5 years ago. I was complacent because my eldest was so powerful a cat and so intelligent I believed he could do almost anything.

What made this the worst day of my life was that I couldn't be there for him. I was on a business trip in Ecuador when I learned he took a turn for the worst. I am kicking myself again and again for going on the trip and for believing the vet that taking a sonogram was unnecessary at the time. I think she too was fooled by his strength of character. I could go on about what made him special as a cat and person, but words can't do it. You have had to seen him to understand. Everyone who did commented on how amazing and different from other cats he was. Even the vet was amazed and said she seen no one like him (20 year exp).

I also focused too much on work before I left so i didn't fix my video surveliance system at my house so I could monitor him when I was away. This and other things are all my fault. My father says hindsight is always right but somehow it doesn't make me feel better.

I did do a video call with him and I could see him fighting, even in his wretched condition but I knew that I couldn't get there in time, unless I put him on pain killers....maybe. I couldn't bear to watch him euthanized but my wife and I called him and spoke to him during the process to tell him how much we loved him and how sorry I was.

And now i can see by the videos my cat sitter is sending me my little guy is depressed, and i am still away. He has never been away from my eldest cat who was the rock that stabslized my feline family. The little one is my wife's favorite so now I have to deal with the repercussions of my stupidity for yet another three days. Right now my wife is looking for a flight home. Crying again.

I knew I shouldn't have gone on the trip.

A friend here did do something, quite unintentionally, that did a lot to help me heal. He took me to an associate he knows who has a number of cats. Spending time with them made me feel better. I was pretty much an automaton the last couple of days. It allowed me to talk and let out my frustration with myself and share memories. Really helped.

Thanks again for your kind comments. You have been very helpful.