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Alas, the poor Bottlenose Dolphin. Some frankly horrendous ecologically unsound decisions that I have willingly made for the sake of big industry have pushed it to the brink of extinction.

In recognition of the evidence of my own eyes, I'm renaming our national animal the Five-Eyed Indecent Mutant Dolphin Thing.

The only thing to do now remains to put it out of its misery. I feel so guilty.